Home

Home was a new word for Daniel during this final hospital stay.  Every doctor, every nurse, every visitor, every few moments, Daniel would ask to go home.  As he was apparently becoming sicker and sicker, I started to wonder if the "home" he would be going to was not our earthly home.  Here is what I wrote just after midnight on Daniel's caring bridge site, the night before his surgery...

"So I stare at this white page and don't know what to write.

So I am writing to ask you to pray for a miracle.  

Daniel wants to go "home".  I pray the home we get to bring him back to is ours.  I am thankful to know that no matter what he will get his desire.  I just can't imagine the giant hole there will be in our home if he doesn't pull thru.  Jesus, we ask that you would let us keep our son.  We all love him so much.

Thank you for praying. Just knowing that you are asking God to spare his life brings my heart peace.  I trust Him. "

I no longer have to imagine the giant hole.  It is here in front of me every day.  We all miss him.

This is the last video I took if Daniel the morning of his surgery...

I wanted to bring him home to our house.   Instead, God took Daniel to his heavenly home.  While our personal addresses are you unique, like Ramesh said at Daniel's Celebration of Life, our permanent heavenly address can be the same.  Daniel loved Jesus.  I know that he is with him now.


All of the days that Daniel was so critical, we had his iPad propped against his hospital bed playing Crowder's "Neon Steeple" album on repeat.  Some nurses told us they went and downloaded it after their shifts.  Crowder was Daniel's favorite.

On the morning that Daniel died, I was not there.  One of the nurse practitioners had called me at 7:32 am to tell me they were doing chest compressions.  What she failed to mention was that this had been going on for a long while.  In what seemed like slow motion, I sat up in my bed and thought "I can't just jump in my van in PJ's".  And I also knew at that time of day the drive would take well over and hours time.  It would be too long to get there if Daniel would not pull out of this.  Dr. M had talked to us about the risks prolonged chest compressions.

So I walked into my bathroom, washed my face. I went to my laptop and shared Daniel's "We Believe" Video (that I had stayed up until 2am the night before finishing...because the Lord has prompted my heart to do so.)  I went back to my bathroom and combed my hair and pulled it up.  I put on my clothes.

As I stood looking at myself in the mirror, the "Steeple Outro" from the Crowder CD began playing in my ear...not on any device.  Just playing in my head.  These are the words...

"My heart was weary, 

my soul was heavy, 

my bones were aching Lord. 

I needed waking, 

I needed breaking, 

I needed you my Lord.  

Then you took my hand 

and lead me to the river 

and buried all I was.  

Then you kissed my face 

and told me I was yours, 

and I knew I 'd found my 

HOME."

As soon as I heard "home", I knew Daniel had died.  The hospital never called.  Brent never called.  I knew.  I then grabbed my phone off of my night stand and went out on my front porch.  I put "All This Glory" on as that is the Crowder song that follows...and it is about all the glory of heaven and Jesus being victor...and I put my hands in the air and sang my heart out to heaven, knowing I was joining the angels in welcoming Daniel to his heavenly home.

Later that morning, I found out his time of death was 7:45 am.  I am convinced that when the Lord played those words in my mind, it correlated directly with Daniel leaving this earth.  And while my heart is broken and the hole that I spoke of earlier is large and I wonder how I will ever be the same, I am so thankful that Jesus told me he kissed my boy, and told him He was his and that Daniel knew he was "home".

Oh Jesus, now help this mama.  While I am so happy for Daniel, the missing of his presence here is most unbearable. Thank you for the sweet gift of grace in telling me Daniel was "home".   And thank you for the hope I have in knowing that our heavenly addresses are the same, so we will again be together one day.