I am writing here now, compiling thoughts and less memories. Maybe I should start a new blog for that. However, the two are quite entwined and it's Daniel's life that leads to these thoughts...so this is where I will write. I often think others who have buried children must share in this life altering permanency.
The world moves on. I must continue on. My other children deserve this and I desire this. But a part of me is stopped forever. A period. A hard stop. A hard thing. And so I live with the tension of fighting to walk past the hard thing. And yet even as I am writing this I want to delete every word. The words fail to communicate the soul tension. It is always there. Even with great hope, it is always there. And the missing never ends.
I suppose this keeps me focused on my true home. The home Daniel ran up ahead and entered before the rest of us. The home that will last forever.
Father, as I miss one very big presence in our home, may Romans 15:13 define my life. Let my heart still know JOY and my kids still know me. With every birthday, holiday, gathering...I see the little boy not here. I can't help but wonder what he would be like now...4 years older. Help death not to define my life. Help the missing not to choke out the living. As both exist may your grace be sufficient in my need. Help me as I live out this hard thing.
I read this today:
"So it is with memories of him...All I can do is remember him. I can't experience him. The person with whom these memories are attached is no longer here with me, standing up. He's only in my memory now, not in my life. Nothing new can happen between us. Everything is sealed tight, shut in the past. I'm still here. I have to go on. I have to start over. But this new start is different from the first. Then I wasn't carrying this load, this things that's over. Sometimes I think that happiness is over for me. I look at photos of the past and immediately comes the thought: that's when we were still happy. But I can still laugh, so I guess that isn't quite it. Perhaps what's over is happiness as the fundamental tone of my existence. Now sorrow is that. Sorrow is no longer the islands but the sea." -Lament for a Son.
I am thankful that Jesus offers to carry the burden and the load. I cannot imagine what my life would look like without him. I am quite sure that living with this hard thing would not be possible.
I miss you Daniel.
