Christmas 2010

Daniel's first Christmas Eve.

And this Christmas we wondered if it would be his last.  Just a few minutes after this photo was taken, Daniel became short of breath, his lips began to turn blue, his heart was racing...I called 911.  Paramedics filled our little rental house that Christmas Eve.  They were wonderful.  While half of the men along tried to stabilize Daniel so they could transport him to Children's Hospital, the other paramedics interacted with our older kids.  I remember in one corner of the living room Daniel being worked on and in the other Lizzy and Abby proudly showing the gifts they had just opened to those kind men.  Drew and Sam joining in too.

And a Christmas miracle happened, as I called the hospital and was put right through to Dr. Thompson an ICU attending that knew Daniel well.  The operator made a mistake as we would later find out, thinking I was a doctor when I called and asked for her on Christmas Eve.  The Lord knew Daniel needed her help.  I think the time that was saved and swiftness with which she helped Daniel get to where he needed to be saved his life that night.  He came home again a few days later.

And so instead of just one emergency and hospital filled Christmas we were given six.

On Christmas Day that year amidst my pain and heartache and uncertainty, I wrote these words on Daniel's Caringbridge and our family blog (Consider It All Joy),  and I wanted to share them again today...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas

Today is Christmas.

Not a day that you usually have to remind someone about. 

Decorations, Sales, shopping, presents, parties, music fill our days and thoughts. 

I LOVE all of these things. LOVE them. 

But I adore my Jesus.

Today is His Birthday.

And even though our circumstances are not at all what I would have hoped for, I intend to celebrate HIM.

He brought with Him Hope.

He brought Life.

Life Everlasting.

Until 8 years ago I never thought about Christmas this way.

I was aware of Jesus.

I knew this is what Christmas was really about.

But I did not know him as my Savior.

No matter my circumstance His life and death and life again are worthy of ALL my praise. 

Though my baby might not live to see his next Christmas,

Though my sweet Daniel is in the ICU this Christmas,

I am going to choose to celebrate Jesus.

Just Jesus.

And trust him with my heart break and disappointments.

And although our savings is empty and our sons health failing, we are rich because of the grace God has extended to us through His Son.

Health and Wealth will not last forever anyway.

But a decision to trust Jesus Christ as your Redeemer from sin will last forever.

And ever.

And ever.

To Him be the glory forever.

Merry Christmas!

Celebrate Jesus.

"For unto us a child is born, unto a a Savior given and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

The only words that would change to today, are that Daniel is now with Jesus and it has been 14 years since my eyes were opened and the way I saw Christmas changed.

We miss you Daniel!  Thank you Jesus for HOPE and that Daniel now sees You,  the savior and hope we celebrate today.

Christmas Cookies

There is a memory attached to everything about Christmas.

I miss Daniel's big brown eyes dancing with delight as he would stare at the lights on the Christmas tree.  I miss having to tell him we had to wait until Christmas to open presents.  I miss how he loved to take the "balls" (ornaments) off our tree when he was younger and throw them.  When he was 2 we quickly learned all of the breakable ornaments were at the top...plastic at the bottom! :)  I miss shopping for him.  The night I sat and wrapped all of our presents, I missed wrapping his.  I miss watching the big kids play "Santa" with him.  I will miss dancing with him on Christmas Eve.

I will miss watching him decorate Christmas cookies.

We baked today, tomorrow we will decorate and his absence will be most noticeable and greatly missed.  The way he decorated cookies was very similar to how he shook glitter and threw sequins at his art projects.  And I just let him go to town.  His joy was worth the clean up efforts.

That unforgettable smile.

The joy that was such a sweet gift from the Lord.

The joy that was most miraculous, as it accompanied a little life of great suffering. As I have said before, I am pretty sure he never felt good a day in his life...but a stranger would never know looking at him...

Yesterday, I listened to Dr. Toussiant talk about prayer.  He talked about how the purpose of prayer is to ask, that God might be glorified (from John 14:13-14).  In the message he had a definition of glory from Charles Ryrie (who long ago used to speak at Dr. T's youth events!  Can you even imagine?).  His definition was "God's glory is anything that makes God seen.  Anything that shows what God is like."  Dr. Toussaint went on to say in this DTS chapel archive, that when God answers prayer you see the glory of God...examples including God's love, God's wisdom, God's grace...and through these answers to prayer you learn what God is like and as you learn what He is like it causes you to worship Him.

I have said many times in the course of Daniel's life and since his death that God's hand, God's presence, God's sovereignty has been undeniable.  And then yesterday listening to this, the numerous prayers that have seemed unanswered (in regards to Daniel's sickness, death, suffering), I now see were very much answered.  I see how through Daniel's entire life he reflected God's glory.  I see God's grace in his life, God's love, God's wisdom, God's sovereignty, God's compassion.

This joy that I saw in Daniel, a joy that was unwavering in a life of great suffering was a reflection of God's glory as an answer to the tens of thousands of prayers prayed on Daniel's behalf.  It was a joy that did not make sense for his life circumstances.

And so this Christmas, amidst the great missing, my heart is also full of praise and adoration and worship for our great God. A God that Daniel now sees.  

We will miss watching you decorate Christmas cookies, Daniel.  I praise God for you and that I had a front seat to the miraculous joy that defined your life.  

"May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you place your trust in Him, so that you overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13

Weights

This past week I finished a week of InsanityMax30.  Up until last week, every time I tried to start these workouts it was just too much.  You see in the early spring of 2015 a new love was born for Daniel.  A love of weights...or "eights" as he called it.

That spring I had decided to start a BeachBody program in our home.  Little did I know that Daniel was about to become the best personal trainer a mom of five could ask for!  "Eights" quickly became Daniel's first request in the morning and was something he did not let up on until the workout was completed for the day.  On more than one occasion, his persistence is what led to the two of us doing workouts as late as 10:30 after a long day at the baseball fields.  And even sometimes in his sleep he would say "eights" to me as I changed him or gave him his late night dose of medication.

I could have taken a photo every day of his outfit, headband and shoe choice of the day, but here are a few of the ones I did...

Even the last hospital stay we had to bring weights and the videos!  :)  The nurses were impressed with how he could lift those weights over his head!  

In the middle of my workouts, when I was tired or doing push-ups (he knew how much I hate these) Daniel would get in my face and scream "AHHHHHHH"!  He took Shaun T literally about the screaming! If he did this while I was doing push-ups he would lay down and put his face right where my face would be coming towards the ground.  It was motivating, but it usually made me laugh...which it's not so easy to do push ups when you are laughing!  

So this week of workouts was filled with emotions.  But like with everything, I have to keep fighting...fighting through the pain, fighting through the fatigue, fighting through the missing and the heartache.  My girls have been super sweet, as they have taken on Daniel's missing role.  When they see or hear I've come to a hard place in the workout, they have been screaming "AHHHHHHH!" from wherever they are.  God truly did bless Daniel with the best brothers and sisters...and me as their mama.  We all miss him, we all hear his silence, we all long to see him come running around the corner.   Oh Daniel.

I wish I could have those big brown eyes look excitedly at me and exclaim "Eights!" But one more time would never be enough.  So I wait.  And fight. And pray for the endurance to "finish my race" as strong as Daniel did.

I miss my workout buddy.