The final entry reads as follows.
January 12, 2010
Just six days ago precious Daniel came to join our family of six. Our hearts and home have already been forever changed. Oh Lord! I praise you for Daniel. I praise you for the brothers and sisters he has. How precious each of our children are. Lord, thank you for Dr. Ehmer, for our great nurse Liz, and for the absolute miracle little Daniel's arrival was. Oh how I thank you. My Father, you have upheld me, sustained me, you have not been silent. Our lives have rang loudly with Your presence. Oh God for the doubt, the pride, the unbelief that enters my thoughts--forgive me. You are so worthy- I long for the day that I will see you face to face and I know my heart will then never long for anything more-nor will it feel empty. In the presence of the LORD there is fullness of JOY! I love you Lord and I thank you. I thank you for all that you have done. And I know that you are the only One who knows how truly grateful I am for the people you have placed in my life. Thank you that my mom can be here and thank you that Ruthie could watch the kids. That was something loading them all up to go to the hospital. But what a fun memory! Nicole C. Mullen blaring in the background. And then to think we all took Daniel home together too! Neither was my plan, but both made for very special memories. Thank you Jesus!
In this same journal, on the very first page was a quote from the first chapel I attended at Dallas Seminary in the fall of 2007. We had just moved to Dallas from North Dakota for Brent to attend Seminary. I will never forget Chuck's words, I wrote them in this journal as well as the margin of my bible:
"When God has an impossible task, He takes an impossible person and crushes them."
(I did not yet know how to spell "Swindoll". Sorry about that Chuck. )
I obviously could have never known the "crushing" that would ensue. At the time, I was feeling crushed about Abby needing to have a cranio-facial surgery to fix her skull. I was also feeling crushed under the huge financial strain and pressures we were facing due to the medical and many other unforeseen circumstances. Later in January of 2010, as I fell more and more in love with our Little Buddy Daniel, I could never have known or imagined that exactly one year later on January 12, 2011 Brent and I would be meeting with palliative care making end of life arrangements for our youngest son. On this occasion, Daniel miraculously survived. And the Lord would give us five more years.
My love and praise and longing to see the Lord face to face have only increased since this time. The hope I have in Him is the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. The longing that I have for His return and to be in His presence is what makes life bearable on this side of burying a child. I recently finished reading "The Road to Armageddon". I have been reading this book next to the wave pool at a local waterpark the past few weeks. I had one person ask me, "Is it good?" Maybe they thought a book with "Armageddon" in the title was not normal poolside reading. :) Whatever the case, at the end of one of the last chapters, Charles Dyer writes:
"My favorite song ever written was a song that I'm sure you know, "It is Well With My Soul." It was written by Horatio Stafford. You may know the story. Stafford was a believer, a fine man who had a wife and four children. He lost his law practice in the great Chicago fire and sent his family to Europe while he tried to sift through everything and recover what had been lost. On the way to Europe the ship was struck and sank within sixteen minutes. Word of the tragedy reached him through a simple two word telegram, "Saved alone."His four children had died. His wife alone survived. Charles Dyer continues by writing:
"On the way over to Europe to be with his wife, the captain came to his cabin one evening and told him they were near the spot where the ship went down. Put yourself in his position. You've lost everything financially. Your business is in tatters, but none of that matters because the thing most dear to you, your four children are gone...You are alone at sea, the memories are flooding back. How do you get through something like that?...What kept Horatio Stafford going in difficult times? It was the knowledge of the soon return of Jesus Christ. Listen to the last verse of the famous hymn.
'And Lord haste the day when the faith shall be sight.' He's quoting scripture related to Jesus' coming back. 'The clouds be rolled back as a scroll, the trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, "Even so"-it is well with my soul.'...It took me years to notice the "even so" is in quotation marks, followed by a dash. He is quoting scripture, but he expects you to know the scripture and finish the verse. He's quoting the next to last verse in the Revelation. "The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, 'Even so'- [come Lord Jesus] it is well with my soul." (KJV)
He knew the separation was temporary, that Jesus was coming, that he would be united with his children again, that God would explain the reasons, wipe the tears from his eyes. That's why he could face problems and say it is well with his soul. What does all this mean for us? It means God is in control and Jesus is coming back soon. And as we focus on that it allows us to get through our day-to-day problems in away that allows us to say, 'Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus, it is well with my soul.' Sing the first and last verses of that song, slowly and prayerfully, as a prayer back to God. When you get to the last verse and you see those words "even so," add in the final part of the verse that he wants you to supply, 'Even so, come Lord Jesus, it is well with my soul."
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
'It is well, it is well with my soul.'
It is well with my soul.
It is well, it is well with my soul.
And, Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend,
"Even so"--[come, Lord Jesus] it is well with my soul.
It is well with my soul.
It is well, it is well with my soul.
I have recently heard about and sat with people who have experienced great tragedy and suffering. I am sure there are many circumstances I am unaware of as well. I thought these words might be an encouragement to others as they have been to me. For Jesus is my hope and for Him to return is my longing. Oh, that glorious day when my faith shall be sight. Until then, press on, press in and praise Him dear friends.
I miss you dearest Daniel. It was a great gift and an awesome privilege to be your mom. I look forward to seeing you again! One day closer.
"Even so- {Come, Lord Jesus}, It is well with my soul."
