Christmas Flowers

Yesterday, after church, my husband and I delivered a new bouquet of flowers to Daniel’s grave for Christmas. This will be his third Christmas in heaven.

Time has not made his absence less painful or noticeable.  Rather it has widened the gap of my missing.  The list of activities, celebrations, meals, days that I wish he was here grows longer, not shorter, with each passing day.  There is not a time that I am not conscience of his absence or aware that I am a mom to five.  One always missing.  I do not cry as much, but the heaviness and freshness of missing is the same as the day he died.  I love him.  How is it possible to not miss one you love so.

And so with love and care we chose some Christmas flowers for his grave.  They never quite seem pretty enough for such a beautiful boy with a beautiful soul.  I arranged them before we arrived.  Brent and I both agreed he would say "Booo-iii-fullll" if he saw them.

It was a chilly morning, so I waited in the van while I watched Brent tidy around his gravestone.  There were a few weeds to pull, grass shavings to rinse away and some dirt that had gathered underneath the Superman plaque.  There has never been a time that I have pulled up to where Daniel is buried and not been mad at death. I hate it.

As Brent finished freshening up his place, I joined him beside the grave.  After I placed the flowers in the vase, Brent and I prayed.

My prayer was simple, that no matter what I face I would be faithful to the Lord.  I asked Him to help me.  I begged for his grace to continue to be sufficient.  I do not know why I feel so desperate for His grace, for there is not a day when Daniel was alive or since He has died that the Lord has not been faithful.

If you have ever ran a marathon, you know how grueling the last miles of the race are.  If you read the story of the marathon I ran in memory of Daniel, you know how painful the last 6 miles of that race were for me.  I recently told my husband that I feel like in life I am always running that last 6 miles.  There is hope, there is grace, there are even personal victories and times of joy, but I am desparetely depending on the Lord's strength and counting on the sufficiency of his grace to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  The weight of grief makes it so grueling, yet I am not without hope or joy. It is a paradox I do not understand and fail to explain, but real nonetheless.

For some reason after we prayed by Daniel's grave yesterday, I wanted Brent to take a photo of me with Daniel's Christmas flowers.  I have actually never asked for this before.  As I turned around and knelt in the direction of the camera phone, I again silently asked God that I would remain faithful to Him, dependent on Him and finish the race of life well.

And then I glanced up.

It never gets old.

A rainbow.

A tiny one, but a rainbow.

Time and again.  A rainbow.  I started laughing, then crying and Brent turned to look.  I told him to hurry and move the van so I could take a photo without the van...but by the time he did it was gone.

Y'all.  God is faithful.  He is good.  He is true.  He always acts according to His kindness.  He is right.  God is faithful.

This past week, one of my favorite people from Dallas Seminary passed away.  His name was Chaplain Bill.  When we lived on campus he was so kind to our family.  The boys have fond memories of conversations they had with him during many hours playing baseball on the seminary grass.  It was fun hearing their memories and sharing our own.  The common theme of all of them was JOY.  He lead us in some of the most amazing worship with his beautiful trumpet playing.  Chaplain Bill was a JOY-bringer.  Much like our Daniel.  You were happier after having been in his presence.  He was one of our biggest cheer leaders, advocates and prayer warriors during Daniel's life.

During Daniel's first 35 day hospital stay, Chaplain Bill visited when Daniel was still in the ICU and hooked to a myriad of machines and IV's.  Upon entering his room, he grabbed Daniel's hands and began to weep.  Through tears he said to Brent and I, "How great the Father's love for us must be to watch His Son suffer so."  Indeed.  This has stayed with me.

Christmas is almost here.  A day that we enjoy fellowship and gifts and good food and beautiful sights.  A day to celebrate Jesus.  In the midst of our celebration let us not forget why He was born.  He was a baby born to die.  A baby born so that we might have HOPE.  A baby born to take away the sins of the world.

This hope alone is enough for me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  How kind it is of the Father to continue to wrap that hope with a bow for me.  His rainbow.  A promise of his faithfulness.  It never ceases to amaze me that he cares so much.

He is a good King.

"Father, thank you for your love.  Thank you that you loved the world so much that you sent your only son, Jesus.  Thank you that he came, that he lived a perfect life--fully God and fully man--that He died in our place, for our sins and that through faith in Him we might be reconciled to you.  Thank you that He takes our sins and in return wraps us in His righteousness.  Amazing grace, indeed!  Thank you for the hope that Christmas brings.  The Word made flesh.  Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us!  Thank you for hope.  I pray for anyone reading this that they might know the hope that Jesus brings.  I pray that you Lord, the God of all hope would fill their hearts and their minds with JOY and peace as they place there faith in You so that they overflow with HOPE by the power of Your Holy Spirit.  Thank you for your grace. Thank you that death does not have the final victory.  Thank you that one day I will see my Daniel again.  And Chaplain Bill and all of the saints who have gone before.  I love you Lord.  Thank you for Jesus. Amen" 

Merry Christmas friends.

A Journal Entry

I have been going through drawers and containers and books.  I have been organizing and sorting.  In this process, yesterday I came across one of my journals.  The only one I think I have come close to actually filling every page.  I have started and abandoned dozens.  The entries in this particular journal are from October 2007-January 12, 2010.

The final entry reads as follows.

January 12, 2010

Just six days ago precious Daniel came to join our family of six.  Our hearts and home have already been forever changed. Oh Lord! I praise you for Daniel.  I praise you for the brothers and sisters he has.  How precious each of our children are.  Lord, thank you for Dr. Ehmer, for our great nurse Liz, and for the absolute miracle little Daniel's arrival was.  Oh how I thank you.  My Father, you have upheld me, sustained me, you have not been silent.  Our lives have rang loudly with Your presence.  Oh God for the doubt, the pride, the unbelief that enters my thoughts--forgive me.  You are so worthy- I long for the day that I will see you face to face and I know my heart will then never long for anything more-nor will it feel empty.  In the presence of the LORD there is fullness of JOY! I love you Lord and I thank you.  I thank you for all that you have done.  And I know that you are the only One who knows how truly grateful I am for the people you have placed in my life.  Thank you that my mom can be here and thank you that Ruthie could watch the kids.  That was something loading them all up to go to the hospital.  But what a fun memory! Nicole C. Mullen blaring in the background.  And then to think we all took Daniel home together too!  Neither was my plan, but both made for very special memories.  Thank you Jesus!

Be still my heart.  It is hard to remember what life was like before the knowledge of Daniel's sickness. Oh what joy that sweet boy brought to our home.  His life made us all better.

In this same journal, on the very first page was a quote from the first chapel I attended at Dallas Seminary in the fall of 2007.  We had just moved to Dallas from North Dakota for Brent to attend Seminary.  I will never forget Chuck's words, I wrote them in this journal as well as the margin of my bible:

"When God has an impossible task, He takes an impossible person and crushes them."

(I did not yet know how to spell "Swindoll".  Sorry about that Chuck. ) 

I obviously could have never known the "crushing" that would ensue.  At the time, I was feeling crushed about Abby needing to have a cranio-facial surgery to fix her skull.  I was also feeling crushed under the huge financial strain and pressures we were facing due to the medical and many other unforeseen circumstances. Later in January of 2010, as I fell more and more in love with our Little Buddy Daniel,  I could never have known or imagined that exactly one year later on January 12, 2011 Brent and I would be meeting with palliative care making end of life arrangements for our youngest son.  On this occasion, Daniel miraculously survived.  And the Lord would give us five more years.

My love and praise and longing to see the Lord face to face have only increased since this time.  The hope I have in Him is the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.  The longing that I have for His return and to be in His presence is what makes life bearable on this side of burying a child.  I recently finished reading "The Road to Armageddon".  I have been reading this book next to the wave pool at a local waterpark the past few weeks.  I had one person ask me, "Is it good?" Maybe they thought a book with "Armageddon" in the title was not normal poolside reading. :) Whatever the case, at the end of one of the last chapters, Charles Dyer writes:

"My favorite song ever written was a song that I'm sure you know, "It is Well With My Soul." It was written by Horatio Stafford.  You may know the story.  Stafford was a believer, a fine man who had a wife and four children.  He lost his law practice in the great Chicago fire and sent his family to Europe while he tried to sift through everything and recover what had been lost.  On the way to Europe the ship was struck and sank within sixteen minutes.  Word of the tragedy reached him through a simple two word telegram, "Saved alone."

His four children had died.  His wife alone survived.  Charles Dyer continues by writing:

"On the way over to Europe to be with his wife, the captain came to his cabin one evening and told him they were near the spot where the ship went down.  Put yourself in his position.  You've lost everything financially.  Your business is in tatters, but none of that matters because the thing most dear to you, your four children are gone...You are alone at sea, the memories are flooding back.  How do you get through something like that?...What kept Horatio Stafford going in difficult times?  It was the knowledge of the soon return of Jesus Christ.  Listen to the last verse of the famous hymn.

'And Lord haste the day when the faith shall be sight.' He's quoting scripture related to Jesus' coming back. 'The clouds be rolled back as a scroll, the trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, "Even so"-it is well with my soul.'...It took me years to notice the "even so" is in quotation marks, followed by a dash.  He is quoting scripture, but he expects you to know the scripture and finish the verse.  He's quoting the next to last verse in the Revelation.  "The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, 'Even so'- [come Lord Jesus] it is well with my soul." (KJV)

He knew the separation was temporary, that Jesus was coming, that he would be united with his children again, that God would explain the reasons, wipe the tears from his eyes.  That's why he could face problems and say it is well with his soul.  What does all this mean for us? It means God is in control and Jesus is coming back soon.  And as we focus on that it allows us to get through our day-to-day problems in away that allows us to say, 'Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus, it is well with my soul.' Sing the first and last verses of that song, slowly and prayerfully, as a prayer back to God. When you get to the last verse and you see those words "even so," add in the final part of the verse that he wants you to supply, 'Even so, come Lord Jesus, it is well with my soul."

When peace like a river attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

'It is well, it is well with my soul.'

It is well with my soul.

It is well, it is well with my soul.

And, Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll,

The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend,

"Even so"--[come, Lord Jesus] it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul.

It is well, it is well with my soul.

I have recently heard about and sat with people who have experienced great tragedy and suffering.  I am sure there are many circumstances I am unaware of as well.  I thought these words might be an encouragement to others as they have been to me.  For Jesus is my hope and for Him to return is my longing.  Oh, that glorious day when my faith shall be sight.  Until then, press on, press in and praise Him dear friends.

I miss you dearest Daniel.  It was a great gift and an awesome privilege to be your mom. I look forward to seeing you again!  One day closer.

"Even so- {Come, Lord Jesus}, It is well with my soul."

Happy Birthday

Dear Daniel,

Today you would be 8.  Oh how I miss you!  We went to the Rainforest Cafe to celebrate you.  We had a "french fry toast", a volcano and I even pressed my face into some window displays at Grapevine Mills...just like you always used to.  We all wore jeans and we talked about how your favorite thing was the fish tanks and pretending that you were going to put your ketchupy hands on your daddy's jeans.  That gleam in your eye is something that lives strong in my memory.  You were always a little mischievous.  ;-)

My favorite part of the day came just before bed.  We all sat down and wrote out one of our favorite memories or things about you and we read the one's we wrote last year.  I loved listening to Drew, Sam, Lizzy, Abby and your daddy talk about things they loved, things they miss, and even some things that drove us crazy.  We laughed, we cried, we prayed.  We love you.  We miss you.  We remember you.  I hope that somehow the Lord let's you know just how much we love and miss you.  I hope He let's you know just how incredibly blessed we are to call you our son and brother.  And I thank you for leaving us with our hearts full of memories...I really still think there might be a million of them.

You were one awesome kid.

Happy 8th birthday in heaven, Little Buddy.  I cannot wait to see you again.

Love always,
"Mama"