Daniel's Gravestone

A few weeks ago I was notified that Daniel's gravestone had been placed.

I went for the first time by myself.  I cried.  And cried.  And as darkness came, I thought, "I would sleep here if I could."

When we visited as a family a few days later  Brent told me he now understood why I felt that way.

Daniel's stone is simple, but we think it is beautiful and honoring to him.

Lizzy and I picked out the flowers, and last Sunday morning while the kids were at church I arranged them  I know Daniel would think they are "Bew-ti-FULLL".  I smile every time I think of him saying that word.

And he was our superman.

I miss you so much buddy.  You are most definitely a beloved son and brother.

Held

The song "Held" by Natalie Grant came on tonight while I ran and I remembered holding you on the shore of Myrtle Beach one year ago.  How I would love to hold you now and brace for the big waves and hear you exclaim "Yuck!" as saltwater splashed in your mouth.  I would then say "yuck!" back and you would belly laugh.

Oh that sweet, sweet laugh.

And oh that look of sweet anticipation as we waited for the next wave to come...

The beach is my favorite place to be and these memories of holding you and playing with you and watching you play are some of the ones I hold most dear.

What I would give to hold you once more.

As I listened to "Held" on repeat tonight and the miles passed under my feet, I realized that now... one year later...I am the one being held as I wait for the day I will see you again.  

"If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning...can we not wait for one hour, watching for our Savior?  This is what it means to be held." --Held, by Natalie Grant

"For in this hope we were saved.  But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what they already have?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."  Romans 8:24-25

I miss you Daniel. I am so thankful I got to hold you on the beach.  And I am waiting for that day when I will hold you again.

Where is Maisy's Panda?

Oh how well I remember this moment.

I wanted to take a photo of Daniel with his "Maisy" books as there was a season that these were his all time favorites.  On this particular day I had spent a long time with him on our living room floor reading and re-reading the Maisy books.  He especially liked the "Where is Maisy's Panda?".  Anyway, I had the thought while we were reading, "I want to remember this, I need to grab my phone and take a photo!"  As I tried to take his photo, I could not get him to look at me...

And then after I finally had given up and headed out of the room, Daniel said "Mama!  Mama!" and pointed to the book with a big smile.  I thought "Oh sweet boy, you know how much I want this photo." And I said to him, "Thank you, Daniel!"

It wasn't until after I took the photo that I realized he was looking for the page "Is Panda in the toilet?"  You see, that is where his finger is.  In the toilet.   And that is why he was smiling so big. Not for any other reason.  ;-)

And that is why I remember this so well.

Lol.

Daniel!

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I think this 4th of July I learned that "celebration" days without you are going to be tough for awhile. Maybe forever.  They are definitely forever changed.  We all miss you so much.  And while we know that you are okay, our family is trying to find our way with your absence being ever so obvious.  But on holidays, birthdays, celebration days your absence is most unbearable.  How are we supposed to celebrate as a family with one of us forever missing?  At first I thought it might just be me.  But on Monday when every one of your brothers and sisters struggled in their own way, I knew it was not.  It's all of us.  We love you.  We long to see you come running around the corner.  I long to have you pull me away from whatever I need to do.  I miss having you in the middle of whatever I am doing.

As I was running yesterday, I listened to the Neon Steeple Album straight through for the first time since you had gone to be with Jesus.  As I listened to the words of "Here's My Heart" that lead into the "Steeple Outro" I was washed over with the reminder of how tenderly and lovingly you are cared for by Jesus, how much we all have been.  Sometimes how much I miss you blinds me to this.  I know that Jesus will not leave us in our time of great need.  And I am so thankful that you are presently with Him.  The only One who could love you more than me.

Daniel.

We will keep on.  One moment at a time.  Trying to find our way.  Always honoring your memory.  Whenever we talk about you we all end up laughing, sometimes through tears.  Our minds are filled with that sweet smile and fun, loving, silly, joyful personality.  Thank you for leaving us with so much to remember.  To talk about.

I am so thankful I got to be your mommy.

I miss you.  I could write all day, but the needs of the present (like your constantly hungry teenage brothers :)) must stop me for now.  I hope you are having a great day with Jesus.  Say "hi" to Dr. P.

Looking forward to the day I will see you again,
Mommy

Memory

One of Daniel's favorite games, and probably his most favorite game in the days before his death was ABC memory.  These are photos from his hospital tent bed just 3 days before his surgery.  I spent many hours inside this bed with him.💙

B was his favorite letter.  For "Big Bob" (the B.O.B. Jog stroller).
When we got a match we would say "weights, weights, weights..."💙

I miss you buddy.  I'd love to be on a blanket today playing "mem-ry" with you while Abby plays softball.

Best Buddy

Can you see why she was his best friend?  

This photo of Taylor was at Daniel's visitation.  And that Thomas the train was the blue train in Daniel's coffin at the end of the night.  Thank you Lord for providing a best buddy for our Little Buddy.  

Grandpa & Grandma's

 Last summer we took Daniel to North and South Dakota for the very first time.  This is where we captured one of our most beloved photos of him.  We have used it for many things (Like the main photo on this blog, his program, & memorial) and it hangs as a canvas on our living room wall.  It was taken as he was playing "ball" in Grandpa and Grandma's backyard a little over one year ago.   

We got the okay from Dr. Ivy to make the trip north and took the leap of faith that all would be okay while we were away.  We had a plan in place if anything were to go wrong and a "Flolan Emergency binder" with us if needed. The main concern was if he broke his central line...when, where and how would we get him the help needed.  Even here in our big city, Daniel was life flighted to the hospital on more than one occasion, so being so remote and rural was a BIG first with our Daniel.

He was able to meet many of our friends and family for the first time, as well as see some family that he had not for a very long time...

Daniel thought it was pretty awesome to help drive the pontoon on the lake! 

I love this cheesy smile he gave me! 

So fun for Daniel to meet our dear friends, the Engstrom's! 

We had a very fun filled few days at Grandpa and Grandma's lake house.  On this trip, we also spent a few days in North Dakota with some of our dear friends (I will write about that memory separately...hopefully soon!).   I am so glad we made the trip.  We were hoping to do it again this summer.

We miss you Daniel.  There were so many more things we hoped to do with you... but never did I take for granted the things we were able to do.  Thank you  Lord Jesus for so many wonderful memories.