We Believe

Forgive me if this has been shared before, but tonight "We Believe" came on as I was running and the need to write out the events of Daniel's final day and hours was on my heart again.  Details I do not want to forget.

March 31 was a hard day.

It seemed like a better day than the previous two, as it was the first day Daniel had not arrested since having his surgery.  We all saw this as a good sign.

However, he was still on super high doses of meds that were keeping his blood pressure stable and his lungs were congested.  On April 1st they planned to extubate Daniel (take him off the ventilator) so much of March 31 was spent suctioning and attempting to strengthen his lungs and wean some meds to make this possible.

It was hard to watch.

In fact, mostly I didn't.  I walked.  A lot.  Hours.  Hours were spent pacing and walking the halls of the hospital.  Some of you reading this joined me for a lap or 40.  Thank you.  I walked so much that the hospital staff would tease me.

I had a hard time just sitting there.

When I would sit on that Thursday, I would work on a picture video.  I had started it earlier that day, as I felt that the Lord wanted me to make it.  And so sitting there I would chip away at adding and editing photos.  Praying and hoping and waiting for the next day.

As the day went on, it was more of the same.  Every hour and a half or so the team would come in and suction and work on Daniel...and I would walk for the 20-40 minutes it would take.  Finally at about 10, I was encouraged by the staff to go home.  To try and sleep, because once Daniel was awake they were going to need me.

So I obeyed.  I kissed my boy, for what would be the last time alive and drove home.

My teenagers were up when I got home.  I told them about how Daniel and I had secretly planned a trip to Disney World.  We pulled up the details on-line and talked about how much fun it would be to go back.  It was a wonderful temporary diversion.  I prayed with them and they headed to bed.

As I got up to head to bed myself, the Lord whispered to my heart (I did not hear a voice or anything like that) "You need to finish that video." 

 In my heart I said "Really?  Now?  When I am so tired and supposed to get some sleep?"

"Yes, now."  was the answer to my heart.

So I stayed up until around 2 finishing the video.  I fell asleep on the couch with the computer on my lap.  When I woke up about 5:30 am, I clicked the button to "Publish" my finished video and then called the ICU to check on Daniel.  The sweet nurse said that he had a stable night.  She said that he had tolerated the suctioning well and the vent had been turned down some.  She said everything was looking good and we were moving toward our goal.  She encouraged me to sleep more, saying that we would not extubate until after lunch.  Brent was sleeping in the waiting room.

So I moved to my bed.

At 7:32am my phone rang to tell me Daniel was arresting and they were doing chest compressions.

My computer was in my bed with me.  So I shared the video I had just finished to facebook.  They called again to tell me they were still doing chest compressions.

Everything from this point on felt like slow motion...as I then got up, washed my face, pulled my hair back...all the while thinking it's at the very least 1 hour to the hospital with morning traffic...more likely two...and so I stared at myself in the mirror wondering what to do.

At that moment, the words to Crowder's "Steeple Outro" played in my mind:

"My heart was weary,
My soul was heavy,
My bones were aching, Lord.
I needed waking,
I needed breaking,
I needed You, my Lord.
Then you took my hand,
And Led me to the river,
And buried all I was.
Then you kissed my face,
And told me I was Yours,
And I knew I'd found my
HOME"

And I knew Daniel had died.  His official time of death was 7:45 am and although I am not sure what exact time it was, I know deep down in my soul that when the word home was whispered to my heart, Daniel had entered heaven.  And I went out on my front porch and lifted my hands to heaven singing "All This Glory" knowing I was joining the angels in welcoming him home.

This happened just minutes after sharing his video where I had pleaded "We want you to come HOME, Daniel!"

And for reasons that I am sure I will not fully understand until I myself am in the presence of the Lord, God said "No." to our desire to bring Daniel back to our earthly home, and instead said "Yes" to taking Daniel to his forever HOME.  A home that we will live in with him.  A home that each day we are one day closer to having for our permanent address.  A home that is far better than any I could give him.

We Believe.

He's coming back again.

It is for this that we wait with eager anticipation.

"Death is swallowed up in victory.  Where, O death, is your victory?  Where, O death, is your sting?  The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

We believe.




"In this time of desperation,
When all we know is doubt and fear,
There is only One foundation,
We believe.

In this broken generation,
When is all is dark, you help us see,
There is only One salvation,
We believe.

So let our faith be more than anthems,
Greater than songs we sing,
In our weakness and temptations,
We believe.

Let the lost be found and the dead be raised,
In here and now let love invade,
Let the church live loud our God will save,
We believe.

And the gates of hell will not prevail,
For the power of God has torn the veil
Now we know your love will never fail.
We believe.

We believe in God the Father,
We believe in Jesus Christ,
We believe in the Holy Spirit,
And He's given us new life.

We believe in the Crucifixion,
We believe that He concurred death,
We believe in the resurrection and He's coming back again."

We Believe.