I miss Daniel's big brown eyes dancing with delight as he would stare at the lights on the Christmas tree. I miss having to tell him we had to wait until Christmas to open presents. I miss how he loved to take the "balls" (ornaments) off our tree when he was younger and throw them. When he was 2 we quickly learned all of the breakable ornaments were at the top...plastic at the bottom! :) I miss shopping for him. The night I sat and wrapped all of our presents, I missed wrapping his. I miss watching the big kids play "Santa" with him. I will miss dancing with him on Christmas Eve.
I will miss watching him decorate Christmas cookies.
We baked today, tomorrow we will decorate and his absence will be most noticeable and greatly missed. The way he decorated cookies was very similar to how he shook glitter and threw sequins at his art projects. And I just let him go to town. His joy was worth the clean up efforts.
That unforgettable smile.
The joy that was such a sweet gift from the Lord.
The joy that was most miraculous, as it accompanied a little life of great suffering. As I have said before, I am pretty sure he never felt good a day in his life...but a stranger would never know looking at him...
Yesterday, I listened to Dr. Toussiant talk about prayer. He talked about how the purpose of prayer is to ask, that God might be glorified (from John 14:13-14). In the message he had a definition of glory from Charles Ryrie (who long ago used to speak at Dr. T's youth events! Can you even imagine?). His definition was "God's glory is anything that makes God seen. Anything that shows what God is like." Dr. Toussaint went on to say in this DTS chapel archive, that when God answers prayer you see the glory of God...examples including God's love, God's wisdom, God's grace...and through these answers to prayer you learn what God is like and as you learn what He is like it causes you to worship Him.
I have said many times in the course of Daniel's life and since his death that God's hand, God's presence, God's sovereignty has been undeniable. And then yesterday listening to this, the numerous prayers that have seemed unanswered (in regards to Daniel's sickness, death, suffering), I now see were very much answered. I see how through Daniel's entire life he reflected God's glory. I see God's grace in his life, God's love, God's wisdom, God's sovereignty, God's compassion.
This joy that I saw in Daniel, a joy that was unwavering in a life of great suffering was a reflection of God's glory as an answer to the tens of thousands of prayers prayed on Daniel's behalf. It was a joy that did not make sense for his life circumstances.
And so this Christmas, amidst the great missing, my heart is also full of praise and adoration and worship for our great God. A God that Daniel now sees.
We will miss watching you decorate Christmas cookies, Daniel. I praise God for you and that I had a front seat to the miraculous joy that defined your life.
"May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you place your trust in Him, so that you overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
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