Just Be Held

Today marks the 3rd Anniversary of Daniel's Home-going.

I still have a hard time comprehending how "home" was a new word for Daniel. I also have a hard time comprehending how the Crowder CD that he loved so much at this time held the words that God would use to tell me Daniel was indeed, Home. His ways are so much higher than ours.

We played the "Steeple Outro" at the beginning of Daniel's Celebration of Life.  These are the words that played through my mind as I stared at my reflection in my bathroom mirror after receiving back to back phone calls from Children's Hospital.  They called to tell me they were doing chest compressions.  Two minutes later the same nurse practitioner called back and said "No...we are doing chest compressions!"

"Yes." I said. "I know."

On the heels of the week we had since Daniel's return from surgery, I knew what this meant.  Two days prior Daniel had arrested while I was getting a sandwich for Brent.  The nurse practitioner had not called me, Brent had.  I knew if they were calling that it had been going on for a long while and there was a reason Brent could not call.

At this time, I was at least 1.5 hours from Daniel.  I was at home, by the doctors request.  He needed me rested for the days to come.  When they called the second time, it was 7:32am and the 25 mile stretch of the Dallas North Tollway is no one's friend at this time.  As I washed my face, everything seemed in slow motion and I wondered what I was supposed to do, then the words of Crowder's "Steeple Outro" played through my mind ...

"My heart was weary,

My soul was heavy,

My bones were aching Lord.

I needed waking,

I needed breaking,

I needed you my Lord.

And you took my hand 

Led me to the river,

And buried all I was.

Then you kissed my face,

And told me I was Yours,

And I knew I'd found my 

HOME."

As soon as I heard the word Home in my mind, I knew he had died.

His official time of death was 7:45am.  I am certain this is when I heard those words.  I grabbed my speaker, headed to my front step, played the next song on the Neon Steeple album, "All This Glory", and lifted my hands to heaven joining the angels in welcoming my son Home.

I often wonder if the Lord let him see me singing, arms stretched out to heaven.

Oh Daniel!  I miss you so, but I am so happy for you.  So happy.  I just miss you. BIG.

Today was the fourth April 1st that I went to my front step at 7:45am, lifted my hands to heaven,  and sang "All This Glory".  The only difference from the first April 1st is that since the summer of 2016 there is now a Memorial tree given in honor of Daniel's life that forever marks this spot. A tree that could have been planted anywhere in the 117 acre park.  God, in His sovereignty, had it planted right across the street from our home, perfectly centered with our street.

As I finished singing and watching the video I had made to "All This Glory" for Daniel's Celebration of Life, (https://youtu.be/vHfrLMitExU) I looked at the sky that had been mostly dark, and saw the beautiful sun beaming through the dark clouds directly behind Daniel's tree.

As I stood and watched it became more glorious...

Until it looked as though God had a spotlight shining on Daniel's tree.

"Light broke in

Coming like a Son

All this glory...

Jesus Christ has come, and love has won"

If Daniel could have said something to me in the moments following his departure from earth to heaven, I am certain they would have been "Oh mom, ALL THIS GLORY" and "IT'S JESUS!! JESUS!"

"In Him (Jesus) was life, and the life was the Light of men.  The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it."  John 1:4-5

Thank you Lord for the tangible ways you love me.  This morning felt like a hug from heaven.

This evening I have been listening to "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns on repeat.  My bones ache, my soul is heavy, I am weary, but Jesus invites me to be held. I don't have to be strong.  He is my strength.

"Come to Me (Jesus), all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS."  Matthew 11:28-29

"If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still,

But if your eyes are on the cross

You know I always have and I always will.

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand

I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in my hands...

Just be held."

Thank you Lord for holding me.  The weight of missing and grief is more than I can bear.  Thank you for the hope I have in you.  A hope that will not disappoint.  I love you.  I trust you.  Please say "hi" to Daniel.  Let him know how much I miss him and how thankful I am for his precious life.  Thank you Lord that you never leave or forsake us.  Thank you for your never ending love and faithfulness.  Thank you for saving me 17 years ago.  Thank you Jesus for washing my sins as white as snow.  I look forward to the day where there will be no more death or sorrow or pain.  All of that will be gone forever.  Until then, may your grace be sufficient for each day.  Make Daniel's life count for eternity.  May many come to know you, Jesus, because of the way your hand was on Daniel's life from beginning to the end and even still now.  In Jesus name, Amen.

"I heard a loud shout from the throne saying, 'Look, God's home is now among his people!  He will live with them, and they will be His people.  God Himself will be with them.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  All these things are gone forever." Revelation 21:3-4

Oh Glorious Day!

One day closer.