Daniel's Tree

 April 1, 2016 Daniel went home to be with the Lord at 7:45 am.

The morning he died, I was not there. The doctors had sent me home to sleep. Their hope was that Daniel would begin to wake up and then they had told me I would be needed 24/7. I have written these details in another blogpost, some of them are in more than one. 

The morning he died I heard the words to the "Steeple Outro" by Crowder play through my mind. It ends with "I knew I found my home" and when I heard that last phrase, I knew Daniel had died. I then went on my front porch and lifted my hands to heaven and sang the next song on that album, "All This Glory". 

Several weeks after he had died, we learned that the people Brent worked with had purchased a memorial tree for Daniel. They chose the park by our home, but had no control over where in the park the tree would be planted. One morning that summer, Brent and I were sitting on our back porch and saw a city truck pull up with a tree in the back. The truck parked right in front of our house and we could see the new tree just over our fence. We both wondered aloud if this could be Daniel's tree.  It was. The park across the street from our home is 117 acres.  Daniel's tree could have been planted anywhere inside that park. The Lord had it planted across the street from our house, centered with our street and "just on the other side" of the fence. I wrote about the significance of some of these things in another blogpost when I ran my marathon.

Every April 1st, I go out on my front porch and listen to the "Steeple Outro" at 7:45am followed by "All This Glory".  I also always take a picture of Daniel's Tree. It was not until Daniel's birthday this year that I learned something even more significant about Daniel's Tree. You see, on January 6th this year, I decided to go and take a photo of his tree that morning as there was a beautiful sunrise.  This was the first time I noticed the placement of the sun, it was significantly to the right of his tree.  Makes sense, in winter months the sun has a different placement.

After realizing this, I begin to marvel in an even more profound way at the details God has put into the gift and placement of Daniel's Tree. A verse of "All This Glory" reads:

In the middle of the night, there is majesty

To the middle of our plight came the King of Kings

While we were waiting on Your love to come along

Light broke in, coming like a Son

Jesus! God With us 

Jesus Christ has come and love has won!

Every Year, on April 1st at 7:45 am, the sun shines directly on Daniel's Tree as it rises. Absolutely amazing and something only God could do.

 

Here is from this morning:

 

April 1, 2022

 

 

April 1, 2021

 

April 1, 2020

 

April 1, 2019

 My phone only goes back to photos from 2019. I will try to find the 2018 and 2017 and add them here as well. Daniel's Tree reminds me every day of God's love and faithfulness, but especially so on April 1st. He sees. He knows. He cares. His grace has been sufficient and I trust will continue to be. My heart is broken. I am sad. I miss him every day. I also have hope. I also trust the Lord. I love the Lord. I am thankful for his never ceasing kindness to my broken heart. One day, my faith will become sight. Until then, I am going to keep trusting him.

Even in the darkness, His light breaks through. 

I love you, Daniel! I look forward to the day I will see you again.

Thank you Lord for the gift of Daniel's life. Thank you for grace. Thank you for hope. Thank you for being Light in the darkness. Thank you for your peace, a peace that surpassing all understanding and guards my heart and mind. Please continue to be my help, my families help, our strength, our hope, our peace. In Jesus name, Amen.

A Letter on Your 11th Birthday

Dearest Daniel,

Today was your 11th birthday. I am sure I do not have to tell you that. And I am also sure that your most glorious birthdays have been the ones since going HOME.  Nothing here could compete with the glory of heaven.  

And as I wait to celebrate again with you one day, Our Lord Jesus has been most gracious to me.  I could hardly believe my eyes this morning when I opened my Spurgeon devotional and read his words for the morning of January 6th:

""CASTING ALL YOUR ANXIETIES ON HIM, BECAUSE HE CARES FOR YOU. "-1 Peter 5:7

It is a happy way of soothing sorrow when we can feel "He cares for me." Christian, do not dishonor religion by always wearing a brow of care; come, cast your burden upon your Lord. You are staggering beneath a weight that your Father would not feel. What seems a crushing burden would be to Him but as small dust of the balance. Nothing is so sweet as to

Lie passive in God's hands, And know no will but His.

O child of suffering, be patient; God has not passed you over in His providence. He who is the feeder of sparrows will also furnish you with what you need.  Do not sit in despair; hope on, hope ever.  Take up the arms of faith against a sea of trouble, and your opposition shall yet end your distresses.  There is One who cares for you.  His eye is fixed on you, His heart beats with pity for your woe, His omnipotent hand shall bring you the needed help.  The darkest cloud shall scatter itself in showers of mercy.  The blackest gloom shall give place to the morning.  He, if you are one of His family, will bind up your wounds and heal your broken heart.  Do not doubt his grace because of your tribulation, but believe that He loves you as much in seasons of trouble as in times of happiness.  What a serene and quiet life you might lead if you would leave providing to the God of providence!  With a little oil in the cruse and a handful of meal in the barrel, Elijah outlived the famine, and you will do the same.  If God cares for you, why do you need to care too? Can you trust Him for your soul and not for your body? He has never refused to bear your burdens; He has never fainted under their weight. Come, then, soul! Say good-bye to anxiety and leave all your concerns in the had of a gracious God." ~ Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon, January 6th

My heart can hardly fathom how words penned so long ago would  be the words that I would read this morning on what would be your 11th birthday.  The missing never ends, but neither does God's grace to my broken heart.  To think that the One you see face to face every day, has a heart that beats with pity for my woe...He is with me in the missing and the hope He give me sets my eyes on a most glorious reunion one day!  One glorious, glorious day!!  Daniel, your faith is already sight!  What a marvelous thought that truth is.  

You were such a trooper in this life.  You were a picture of perseverance.  This morning I also turned to these words in my Billy Graham devotional:

"There was once a little boy who was riding alone in a train, and the scenery was not too interesting.  A woman sitting beside him asked, 'Are you tired of the long ride?'

The boy smiled and said, 'I'm a little tired, but I don't mind it much. You see, my father is going to meet me when I get there.' Sometimes we get tired of the burdens of life, but we know that Jesus Christ will meet us at the end of our own life's journey-- and that makes all the difference...Knowing we will be with Christ forever for outweighs our burdens today!  Keep your eyes on eternity!"

When I read them to Lizzy, without missing a beat she said, "That little boy is like Daniel."  Yes, I could not agree more.  You had to be so tired in this life Daniel!  Your body always fighting against you. Yet you were so filled with joy!  You loved life and your people. You loved BIG.  What a gift your life was. 

I love you Daniel!  I hope you are okay with the presents I got for your daddy and brothers and sisters.  I know you would probably have picked out some way cooler ones, but it was fun to do it on your behalf.  This was definitely the beginning of a fun tradition to honor your life.  I couldn't help to think of how the pile of presents will grow as people are added to our family in the years to come.  One day, Lord willing, it will be a large group of us at the Rainforest Cafe.  This year we face-timed Drew for the french fry toast. I love how you loved that place and the memories it holds!

Happy birthday Daniel!

Love you so much,

Mommy 

O God!  I miss him so. Thank you for your grace to my aching heart today.  Thank you for the gift of Daniel's life.  Thank you for the hope I have for a future more glorious than I can dare to imagine.  Give Daniel my love and a BIG hug from his mama.  How I would love to feel his sweet hand pressed into mine this day.  

Double Digits

Dearest Daniel,

Today you would turn 10!  How is it possible that my "baby" would be double digits?!?

I miss you so.  I try to imagine what heaven is like for you. Having your birthday with the King of Kings is most amazing I am sure.  I am so happy for you, but it is so hard to wait.  Your absence is loud.  I hate not watching you open your presents...what is a birthday without presents??  So today I decided that for the rest of my life, I am going to buy presents for your brothers and sisters and daddy that I think you would give to them and have them outside your door for them to open on your birthday.  I don't know why I didn't think of this before.  I am excited to keep my eyes open throughout this next year for what will be the best gift from you to them.  You were so much cooler than me though, so forgive me if my choices aren't exactly what you would pick. 

I'm sorry that I cry so much.  You always hated that.  You always tried to make me laugh when I was sad.  The tears are a spilling over of the love I have for you.  I know you are happy, healthy and better than ever...but missing you is real and I will until I join you in heaven.  The tears are a result of getting to be your mom.  I miss that terribly.  I miss YOU!  We all do. I am thankful for the little rainbows I have already seen today.  One day...no more tears. 

In a little while we will go to the Rainforest Cafe.  I wish Drew could be with us too.  He texted me just after midnight "happy birthday daniel" with two blue hearts and confetti. Sometimes I do not feel like going there without you.  Today is one of those days, but the girls are excited about it and it has become our tradition...so my feelings do not get to decide!  We will have our "french fry with ketchup toast" and talk about our favorite memories.  Thank you for leaving us with so much.  Your life was so short, but your days were so FULL.  Thank you for teaching us how to be joyful in the midst of great pain and hardship.  Like the necklace my dear friend gave me (I wear it with your thumbprint every day!) reads "Your joy lives on!"...and it surely does. 

I do wonder what you would be like today.  What would your favorites be?  Oh Daniel. 

Daniel.

I celebrate you today.  Thank you for making me better.  I am so thankful to have been your mom.  Happy 10th birthday in heaven.  I miss you every day and love you BIG.  Give Jesus a hug for me! 

Mommy

Psalm 34
"I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul shall make it's boast in the LORD; The humble shall hear and rejoice.
O magnify the Lord with me, And let us exalt his name together.
I sought the LORD and and he answered me, And delivered me from all my fears.
They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him and rescues them.
O taste and see that the LORD is good; how blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
O fear the LORD, you His saints; For to those who fear Him there is no want.
The young lions do not lack and suffer hunger; but they who seek the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing.
Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Who is the man who desires life and loves length of days that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.
Depart from evil and do good.  Seek peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry.
The face of the LORD is against evildoers, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
The righteous cry, and the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.  
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of all.
He keeps all his bones, not one of them is broken.
Evil shall slay the wicked and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.  
The LORD redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned."

My Daniel Psalm. 

A Hard Thing

This is a line I have said quietly and often to the Lord in prayer since burying my son.  "You've asked me to do a hard thing."  As deeply and amazingly as I can see the hand of God on Daniel's life and even in his death, the truth remains.  This is a hard thing.

I am writing here now, compiling thoughts and less memories.  Maybe I should start a new blog for that.  However, the two are quite entwined and it's Daniel's life that leads to these thoughts...so this is where I will write.  I often think others who have buried children must share in this life altering permanency. 

The world moves on.  I must continue on.  My other children deserve this and I desire this.  But a part of me is stopped forever.  A period.  A hard stop.  A hard thing.  And so I live with the tension of fighting to walk past the hard thing.  And yet even as I am writing this I want to delete every word.  The words fail to communicate the soul tension.  It is always there.  Even with great hope, it is always there.  And the missing never ends. 

I suppose this keeps me focused on my true home.  The home Daniel ran up ahead and entered before the rest of us.  The home that will last forever. 

Father, as I miss one very big presence in our home, may Romans 15:13 define my life.  Let my heart still know JOY and my kids still know me.  With every birthday, holiday, gathering...I see the little boy not here.  I can't help but wonder what he would be like now...4 years  older.  Help death not to define my life.  Help the missing not to choke out the living.  As both exist may your grace be sufficient in my need.  Help me as I live out this hard thing.  

I read this today:

"So it is with memories of him...All I can do is remember him.  I can't experience him.  The person with whom these memories are attached is no longer here with me, standing up.  He's only in my memory now, not in my life.  Nothing new can happen between us.  Everything is sealed tight, shut in the past.  I'm still here.  I have to go on.  I have to start over.  But this new start is different from the first.  Then I wasn't carrying this load, this things that's over.  Sometimes I think that happiness is over for me.  I look at photos of the past and immediately comes the thought: that's when we were still happy.  But I can still laugh, so I guess that isn't quite it.  Perhaps what's over is happiness as the fundamental tone of my existence.  Now sorrow is that.  Sorrow is no longer the islands but the sea." -Lament for a Son.

I am thankful that Jesus offers to carry the burden and the load.  I cannot imagine what my life would look like without him.  I am quite sure that living with this hard thing would not be possible. 

I miss you Daniel. 

A Faithful Father

On April 7th, 2010 our lives forever changed.

I was driving to pick up our son Sam, who was just seven, from baseball practice.  Daniel was three months old at this time.  On the way to pick Sam up, he started to cry.  Up to this point in his life, I am not sure he had ever been left to cry for more than a few seconds before someone had picked him up.  On this particular night, he had to "cry it out" as we took the short drive to pick up Sam.

Babies should be able to cry.

I talked to him the whole way to the field, telling him I would feed him as soon as we got there. Abby was two years old and was babbling to him too.   I noticed as we were driving that his cry had changed.  I thought he was just getting sleepy.  I was wrong.  When I parked and opened the sliding van door, there was my precious baby boy blue as a blueberry in his car seat.  He was blue and lifeless.

I quickly got him out of his car seat thinking he may have spit up and aspirated as we were driving.  So I turned him over to pat his back, but as I did his whole body fell forward, limp as a noodle.  I grabbed my cell phone and dialed 911 all the while thinking about the scene that was about to be made.

When the ambulance arrived, they immediately hooked him to oxygen.  The coaches wife (whom I had not yet met) was already in my van telling me she had my other kids. Brent was 40 miles away at the pharmacy he was working at that night.  Even with the oxygen, Daniel stayed a blueish-grey tint the entire ride to the hospital and the EMT's were somber and quiet while working.

I prayed.  As we drove down the stretch of road to arrive at Children's Hospital, I imagined the spiritual battle happening for Daniel's life.  The initial doctors that saw Daniel told me they did not expect him to survive the night.  They also told me that if he did, he would probably have severe brain damage due to the lack of oxygen he experienced.

Again, babies should be able to cry without dying.

We know now, that Daniel had his first PH crisis.  Thankfully both of the initial things I was told did not come true.  Daniel did survive that night and he did not have permanent brain damage.  We would stay another 35 days at Children's Hospital and learn that Daniel had an extremely rare disease called idiopathic primary pulmonary hypertension.  This would become the first of many hospital stays, ambulance rides, helicopter rides and emergencies.

Every year after this initial crisis, our family has celebrated Daniel's life on April 7th.  We have bought a rainbow cake, presents for ALL the kids (because they are the best big brothers and sisters ever) and usually had some sort of dance party per Daniel's request.  When Daniel died on April 1, 2016, Brent and I knew that his funeral/celebration of life would be on April 7th.  God and His sovereignty are undeniable themes in Daniel's short life.

One day I plan to write out his whole story, but today I want to share about this April 7th.

Rainbows have also been a theme through Daniel's life.  If you have read this blog, followed Daniel's caringbridge (https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danieljames/journal)  or spent any time with us you know how rainbows have been something the Lord has given us in the most difficult of times.  Today was no exception.

Yesterday was April 7th.  Our kids all had a variety of activities.  Brent and I have talked a lot about how as years go forward we are going to have to be more flexible as far as when we get to celebrate events like this as a family.   The first anniversary after his death, we started a tradition of releasing balloons at his grave.  We knew with the schedule this year that yesterday would have been rushed, so instead we planned for the balloon release today.

Yesterday we still celebrated with a rainbow cake, sunflower cookies and Abby made a beautiful canvas of Daniel.  We all shared a favorite memory or two...we have a million...and then ate cake together before we went separate ways for the rest of the day.

Today we picked up our rainbow balloons and struggled in the wind to get them all cut and held tightly for our release.  Before we started struggling with the balloons, we gathered around his grave with beautiful new flowers and prayed.

I thanked God that Daniel's life fulfilled what God wants for all of us.  To bring Him glory.  I prayed that despite the pain and suffering, I am thankful for the example that Daniel was to us of perseverance.  I thanked God for Daniel's love for Jesus.  I thanked Him for how he shared about the "boo-boo's" Jesus took and how he often spontaneously praised the Lord.  I thanked the Lord that even all of Daniel's favorite songs were about the hope he had of a future.  "Home" by Philip Phillips was the only one that didn't speak specific about Jesus, but was one of Daniel's last words and is the place he is now.  Home.  I thanked God that the words we were about to play of "My Beloved", (Daniel's favorite song when he died) have totally come true in his life. Then through tears I asked the Lord if he could just let Daniel know we were letting all these balloons go for him.

Cue balloon struggle! :)

"My Beloved" playing we all lined up with our balloons.  Brent was recording (with his phone...so I do not have that here)...and we let the 72 rainbow colored balloons go.  Every year I want more, but the kids said we need more people to do more.

We watched.

And then I saw it.  We were so focused on watching the balloons that none of us noticed it at first.  When I saw it I squealed.  A  real squeal.  And then burst into tears.

A rainbow.  

Again and again and again a rainbow. As I look back at the other photos, it was there when we released the balloons I just didn't notice it until after.  Although it seemed to get brighter after.

It never ceases to completely amaze me.  Moments like these His grace is so overwhelming.  And I am so thankful.  I am thankful for HOPE.  You see, the part of the story of today I did not yet share is how our family kind of started to unravel before we got to Daniel's grave.  Little irritations, impatience...they often start to spread like wildfire on these days and anniversaries.  So today, before we had prayed graveside, I had gathered my family around Daniel's grave and reminded them that we have an enemy.  An enemy who hates that even in death we are here to celebrate and praise our King Jesus because of the HOPE we have in Him.  He hates the light.  He hates that Jesus is even bigger than death and that we believe this to be true.  He hates that we are here with our hearts filled with hope.  Think about this I said, be kind to one another.  Build each other up and extend the grace to each other we all so desperately need.  Do not the let enemy tear our family apart.

Part of Brent's prayer had been about us "continuing to march on"...a rainbow at the end of this time spent together was a huge encouragement to our hurting hearts...a huge encouragement to "march on".   And a huge moment that brought our family closer.  I pray my kids will not forget the faithfulness of our Father.

Thank you Jesus for the hope we have in you.

I love you Daniel!  I hope you got to see the balloons.  If you had been with us, I can hear you laughing as they filled the sky.

"I will praise you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done." Psalm 9:1

Just Be Held

Today marks the 3rd Anniversary of Daniel's Home-going.

I still have a hard time comprehending how "home" was a new word for Daniel. I also have a hard time comprehending how the Crowder CD that he loved so much at this time held the words that God would use to tell me Daniel was indeed, Home. His ways are so much higher than ours.

We played the "Steeple Outro" at the beginning of Daniel's Celebration of Life.  These are the words that played through my mind as I stared at my reflection in my bathroom mirror after receiving back to back phone calls from Children's Hospital.  They called to tell me they were doing chest compressions.  Two minutes later the same nurse practitioner called back and said "No...we are doing chest compressions!"

"Yes." I said. "I know."

On the heels of the week we had since Daniel's return from surgery, I knew what this meant.  Two days prior Daniel had arrested while I was getting a sandwich for Brent.  The nurse practitioner had not called me, Brent had.  I knew if they were calling that it had been going on for a long while and there was a reason Brent could not call.

At this time, I was at least 1.5 hours from Daniel.  I was at home, by the doctors request.  He needed me rested for the days to come.  When they called the second time, it was 7:32am and the 25 mile stretch of the Dallas North Tollway is no one's friend at this time.  As I washed my face, everything seemed in slow motion and I wondered what I was supposed to do, then the words of Crowder's "Steeple Outro" played through my mind ...

"My heart was weary,

My soul was heavy,

My bones were aching Lord.

I needed waking,

I needed breaking,

I needed you my Lord.

And you took my hand 

Led me to the river,

And buried all I was.

Then you kissed my face,

And told me I was Yours,

And I knew I'd found my 

HOME."

As soon as I heard the word Home in my mind, I knew he had died.

His official time of death was 7:45am.  I am certain this is when I heard those words.  I grabbed my speaker, headed to my front step, played the next song on the Neon Steeple album, "All This Glory", and lifted my hands to heaven joining the angels in welcoming my son Home.

I often wonder if the Lord let him see me singing, arms stretched out to heaven.

Oh Daniel!  I miss you so, but I am so happy for you.  So happy.  I just miss you. BIG.

Today was the fourth April 1st that I went to my front step at 7:45am, lifted my hands to heaven,  and sang "All This Glory".  The only difference from the first April 1st is that since the summer of 2016 there is now a Memorial tree given in honor of Daniel's life that forever marks this spot. A tree that could have been planted anywhere in the 117 acre park.  God, in His sovereignty, had it planted right across the street from our home, perfectly centered with our street.

As I finished singing and watching the video I had made to "All This Glory" for Daniel's Celebration of Life, (https://youtu.be/vHfrLMitExU) I looked at the sky that had been mostly dark, and saw the beautiful sun beaming through the dark clouds directly behind Daniel's tree.

As I stood and watched it became more glorious...

Until it looked as though God had a spotlight shining on Daniel's tree.

"Light broke in

Coming like a Son

All this glory...

Jesus Christ has come, and love has won"

If Daniel could have said something to me in the moments following his departure from earth to heaven, I am certain they would have been "Oh mom, ALL THIS GLORY" and "IT'S JESUS!! JESUS!"

"In Him (Jesus) was life, and the life was the Light of men.  The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it."  John 1:4-5

Thank you Lord for the tangible ways you love me.  This morning felt like a hug from heaven.

This evening I have been listening to "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns on repeat.  My bones ache, my soul is heavy, I am weary, but Jesus invites me to be held. I don't have to be strong.  He is my strength.

"Come to Me (Jesus), all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS."  Matthew 11:28-29

"If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still,

But if your eyes are on the cross

You know I always have and I always will.

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand

I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in my hands...

Just be held."

Thank you Lord for holding me.  The weight of missing and grief is more than I can bear.  Thank you for the hope I have in you.  A hope that will not disappoint.  I love you.  I trust you.  Please say "hi" to Daniel.  Let him know how much I miss him and how thankful I am for his precious life.  Thank you Lord that you never leave or forsake us.  Thank you for your never ending love and faithfulness.  Thank you for saving me 17 years ago.  Thank you Jesus for washing my sins as white as snow.  I look forward to the day where there will be no more death or sorrow or pain.  All of that will be gone forever.  Until then, may your grace be sufficient for each day.  Make Daniel's life count for eternity.  May many come to know you, Jesus, because of the way your hand was on Daniel's life from beginning to the end and even still now.  In Jesus name, Amen.

"I heard a loud shout from the throne saying, 'Look, God's home is now among his people!  He will live with them, and they will be His people.  God Himself will be with them.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  All these things are gone forever." Revelation 21:3-4

Oh Glorious Day!

One day closer.

Christmas Flowers

Yesterday, after church, my husband and I delivered a new bouquet of flowers to Daniel’s grave for Christmas. This will be his third Christmas in heaven.

Time has not made his absence less painful or noticeable.  Rather it has widened the gap of my missing.  The list of activities, celebrations, meals, days that I wish he was here grows longer, not shorter, with each passing day.  There is not a time that I am not conscience of his absence or aware that I am a mom to five.  One always missing.  I do not cry as much, but the heaviness and freshness of missing is the same as the day he died.  I love him.  How is it possible to not miss one you love so.

And so with love and care we chose some Christmas flowers for his grave.  They never quite seem pretty enough for such a beautiful boy with a beautiful soul.  I arranged them before we arrived.  Brent and I both agreed he would say "Booo-iii-fullll" if he saw them.

It was a chilly morning, so I waited in the van while I watched Brent tidy around his gravestone.  There were a few weeds to pull, grass shavings to rinse away and some dirt that had gathered underneath the Superman plaque.  There has never been a time that I have pulled up to where Daniel is buried and not been mad at death. I hate it.

As Brent finished freshening up his place, I joined him beside the grave.  After I placed the flowers in the vase, Brent and I prayed.

My prayer was simple, that no matter what I face I would be faithful to the Lord.  I asked Him to help me.  I begged for his grace to continue to be sufficient.  I do not know why I feel so desperate for His grace, for there is not a day when Daniel was alive or since He has died that the Lord has not been faithful.

If you have ever ran a marathon, you know how grueling the last miles of the race are.  If you read the story of the marathon I ran in memory of Daniel, you know how painful the last 6 miles of that race were for me.  I recently told my husband that I feel like in life I am always running that last 6 miles.  There is hope, there is grace, there are even personal victories and times of joy, but I am desparetely depending on the Lord's strength and counting on the sufficiency of his grace to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  The weight of grief makes it so grueling, yet I am not without hope or joy. It is a paradox I do not understand and fail to explain, but real nonetheless.

For some reason after we prayed by Daniel's grave yesterday, I wanted Brent to take a photo of me with Daniel's Christmas flowers.  I have actually never asked for this before.  As I turned around and knelt in the direction of the camera phone, I again silently asked God that I would remain faithful to Him, dependent on Him and finish the race of life well.

And then I glanced up.

It never gets old.

A rainbow.

A tiny one, but a rainbow.

Time and again.  A rainbow.  I started laughing, then crying and Brent turned to look.  I told him to hurry and move the van so I could take a photo without the van...but by the time he did it was gone.

Y'all.  God is faithful.  He is good.  He is true.  He always acts according to His kindness.  He is right.  God is faithful.

This past week, one of my favorite people from Dallas Seminary passed away.  His name was Chaplain Bill.  When we lived on campus he was so kind to our family.  The boys have fond memories of conversations they had with him during many hours playing baseball on the seminary grass.  It was fun hearing their memories and sharing our own.  The common theme of all of them was JOY.  He lead us in some of the most amazing worship with his beautiful trumpet playing.  Chaplain Bill was a JOY-bringer.  Much like our Daniel.  You were happier after having been in his presence.  He was one of our biggest cheer leaders, advocates and prayer warriors during Daniel's life.

During Daniel's first 35 day hospital stay, Chaplain Bill visited when Daniel was still in the ICU and hooked to a myriad of machines and IV's.  Upon entering his room, he grabbed Daniel's hands and began to weep.  Through tears he said to Brent and I, "How great the Father's love for us must be to watch His Son suffer so."  Indeed.  This has stayed with me.

Christmas is almost here.  A day that we enjoy fellowship and gifts and good food and beautiful sights.  A day to celebrate Jesus.  In the midst of our celebration let us not forget why He was born.  He was a baby born to die.  A baby born so that we might have HOPE.  A baby born to take away the sins of the world.

This hope alone is enough for me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  How kind it is of the Father to continue to wrap that hope with a bow for me.  His rainbow.  A promise of his faithfulness.  It never ceases to amaze me that he cares so much.

He is a good King.

"Father, thank you for your love.  Thank you that you loved the world so much that you sent your only son, Jesus.  Thank you that he came, that he lived a perfect life--fully God and fully man--that He died in our place, for our sins and that through faith in Him we might be reconciled to you.  Thank you that He takes our sins and in return wraps us in His righteousness.  Amazing grace, indeed!  Thank you for the hope that Christmas brings.  The Word made flesh.  Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us!  Thank you for hope.  I pray for anyone reading this that they might know the hope that Jesus brings.  I pray that you Lord, the God of all hope would fill their hearts and their minds with JOY and peace as they place there faith in You so that they overflow with HOPE by the power of Your Holy Spirit.  Thank you for your grace. Thank you that death does not have the final victory.  Thank you that one day I will see my Daniel again.  And Chaplain Bill and all of the saints who have gone before.  I love you Lord.  Thank you for Jesus. Amen" 

Merry Christmas friends.

A Journal Entry

I have been going through drawers and containers and books.  I have been organizing and sorting.  In this process, yesterday I came across one of my journals.  The only one I think I have come close to actually filling every page.  I have started and abandoned dozens.  The entries in this particular journal are from October 2007-January 12, 2010.

The final entry reads as follows.

January 12, 2010

Just six days ago precious Daniel came to join our family of six.  Our hearts and home have already been forever changed. Oh Lord! I praise you for Daniel.  I praise you for the brothers and sisters he has.  How precious each of our children are.  Lord, thank you for Dr. Ehmer, for our great nurse Liz, and for the absolute miracle little Daniel's arrival was.  Oh how I thank you.  My Father, you have upheld me, sustained me, you have not been silent.  Our lives have rang loudly with Your presence.  Oh God for the doubt, the pride, the unbelief that enters my thoughts--forgive me.  You are so worthy- I long for the day that I will see you face to face and I know my heart will then never long for anything more-nor will it feel empty.  In the presence of the LORD there is fullness of JOY! I love you Lord and I thank you.  I thank you for all that you have done.  And I know that you are the only One who knows how truly grateful I am for the people you have placed in my life.  Thank you that my mom can be here and thank you that Ruthie could watch the kids.  That was something loading them all up to go to the hospital.  But what a fun memory! Nicole C. Mullen blaring in the background.  And then to think we all took Daniel home together too!  Neither was my plan, but both made for very special memories.  Thank you Jesus!

Be still my heart.  It is hard to remember what life was like before the knowledge of Daniel's sickness. Oh what joy that sweet boy brought to our home.  His life made us all better.

In this same journal, on the very first page was a quote from the first chapel I attended at Dallas Seminary in the fall of 2007.  We had just moved to Dallas from North Dakota for Brent to attend Seminary.  I will never forget Chuck's words, I wrote them in this journal as well as the margin of my bible:

"When God has an impossible task, He takes an impossible person and crushes them."

(I did not yet know how to spell "Swindoll".  Sorry about that Chuck. ) 

I obviously could have never known the "crushing" that would ensue.  At the time, I was feeling crushed about Abby needing to have a cranio-facial surgery to fix her skull.  I was also feeling crushed under the huge financial strain and pressures we were facing due to the medical and many other unforeseen circumstances. Later in January of 2010, as I fell more and more in love with our Little Buddy Daniel,  I could never have known or imagined that exactly one year later on January 12, 2011 Brent and I would be meeting with palliative care making end of life arrangements for our youngest son.  On this occasion, Daniel miraculously survived.  And the Lord would give us five more years.

My love and praise and longing to see the Lord face to face have only increased since this time.  The hope I have in Him is the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.  The longing that I have for His return and to be in His presence is what makes life bearable on this side of burying a child.  I recently finished reading "The Road to Armageddon".  I have been reading this book next to the wave pool at a local waterpark the past few weeks.  I had one person ask me, "Is it good?" Maybe they thought a book with "Armageddon" in the title was not normal poolside reading. :) Whatever the case, at the end of one of the last chapters, Charles Dyer writes:

"My favorite song ever written was a song that I'm sure you know, "It is Well With My Soul." It was written by Horatio Stafford.  You may know the story.  Stafford was a believer, a fine man who had a wife and four children.  He lost his law practice in the great Chicago fire and sent his family to Europe while he tried to sift through everything and recover what had been lost.  On the way to Europe the ship was struck and sank within sixteen minutes.  Word of the tragedy reached him through a simple two word telegram, "Saved alone."

His four children had died.  His wife alone survived.  Charles Dyer continues by writing:

"On the way over to Europe to be with his wife, the captain came to his cabin one evening and told him they were near the spot where the ship went down.  Put yourself in his position.  You've lost everything financially.  Your business is in tatters, but none of that matters because the thing most dear to you, your four children are gone...You are alone at sea, the memories are flooding back.  How do you get through something like that?...What kept Horatio Stafford going in difficult times?  It was the knowledge of the soon return of Jesus Christ.  Listen to the last verse of the famous hymn.

'And Lord haste the day when the faith shall be sight.' He's quoting scripture related to Jesus' coming back. 'The clouds be rolled back as a scroll, the trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, "Even so"-it is well with my soul.'...It took me years to notice the "even so" is in quotation marks, followed by a dash.  He is quoting scripture, but he expects you to know the scripture and finish the verse.  He's quoting the next to last verse in the Revelation.  "The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, 'Even so'- [come Lord Jesus] it is well with my soul." (KJV)

He knew the separation was temporary, that Jesus was coming, that he would be united with his children again, that God would explain the reasons, wipe the tears from his eyes.  That's why he could face problems and say it is well with his soul.  What does all this mean for us? It means God is in control and Jesus is coming back soon.  And as we focus on that it allows us to get through our day-to-day problems in away that allows us to say, 'Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus, it is well with my soul.' Sing the first and last verses of that song, slowly and prayerfully, as a prayer back to God. When you get to the last verse and you see those words "even so," add in the final part of the verse that he wants you to supply, 'Even so, come Lord Jesus, it is well with my soul."

When peace like a river attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

'It is well, it is well with my soul.'

It is well with my soul.

It is well, it is well with my soul.

And, Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll,

The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend,

"Even so"--[come, Lord Jesus] it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul.

It is well, it is well with my soul.

I have recently heard about and sat with people who have experienced great tragedy and suffering.  I am sure there are many circumstances I am unaware of as well.  I thought these words might be an encouragement to others as they have been to me.  For Jesus is my hope and for Him to return is my longing.  Oh, that glorious day when my faith shall be sight.  Until then, press on, press in and praise Him dear friends.

I miss you dearest Daniel.  It was a great gift and an awesome privilege to be your mom. I look forward to seeing you again!  One day closer.

"Even so- {Come, Lord Jesus}, It is well with my soul."

Happy Birthday

Dear Daniel,

Today you would be 8.  Oh how I miss you!  We went to the Rainforest Cafe to celebrate you.  We had a "french fry toast", a volcano and I even pressed my face into some window displays at Grapevine Mills...just like you always used to.  We all wore jeans and we talked about how your favorite thing was the fish tanks and pretending that you were going to put your ketchupy hands on your daddy's jeans.  That gleam in your eye is something that lives strong in my memory.  You were always a little mischievous.  ;-)

My favorite part of the day came just before bed.  We all sat down and wrote out one of our favorite memories or things about you and we read the one's we wrote last year.  I loved listening to Drew, Sam, Lizzy, Abby and your daddy talk about things they loved, things they miss, and even some things that drove us crazy.  We laughed, we cried, we prayed.  We love you.  We miss you.  We remember you.  I hope that somehow the Lord let's you know just how much we love and miss you.  I hope He let's you know just how incredibly blessed we are to call you our son and brother.  And I thank you for leaving us with our hearts full of memories...I really still think there might be a million of them.

You were one awesome kid.

Happy 8th birthday in heaven, Little Buddy.  I cannot wait to see you again.

Love always,
"Mama"

All This Glory

The title of the song I lifted my hands to heaven and sang the morning Daniel died.

Tonight when I was out running this Crowder song came on shuffle.  And I was overcome with emotion.  I was overwhelmed with the grace of God for allowing me to join the angel's singing in Daniel's welcome "home".  This is why following the "Steeple Outro" at Daniel's Celebration of Life the picture video we shared of Daniel was put to the music of "All This Glory."

But it wasn't until this song came on tonight that I realized, if Daniel could have said anything to me upon entering heaven I am sure it would have been, "Oh mom, all this GLORY!"

Tonight, some 562 days since that morning, I burst into laughter and tears while on my run.  Not only did God put that song on my heart that morning to sing to heaven, but 562 days later he revealed to me that if Daniel could have spoken to me that morning it would have sounded something like that song.  "Oh mom, all the GLORY" and "It's JESUS!" and mom "Love has won!"

I do not know how God works it altogether.  But He does.

How gracious God is, was and will continue to be to this aching mama's heart.

The video below is the one played at Daniel's Celebration of Life...

"All This Glory".

Thank you Jesus.







Love has won.

"Then you kissed my face and told me I was Yours, and I knew I'd found my HOME."-Crowder, 'Steeple Outro'

The Story of My 26.2

"It's not a sprint, it's a marathon."

Words I was told on more than one occasion from our first Pulmonary Hypertension doctor in regards to our youngest son Daniel's care. Words that ran through my mind throughout Daniel's 6 years of life. While Daniel was alive, this motivated me to train and run my first half-marathon races.  A few months after Daniel died, I knew I wanted to try and train to run a full 26.2.

In December, I mentioned this stirring I was having to train for a full marathon to my friend Ashley.  I told her about the Big D (which the name of the race made me think of our Daniel) that was on April 2nd (the day after Daniel passed away) and how the timing and the name seemed to be a perfect race to run in honor of Daniel. Their family was over for dinner and without too much hesitation she said, "I could maybe train and do that with you." Within a few days of this conversation we both started the training. I was so thankful to have a friend to train with, to run with, and to spur one another on!

We ran most of our long runs together and it was on one of these long runs that I told Ashley the story of Daniel’s tree.

When Daniel passed away, the sweet people that Brent works with purchased a city memorial tree for Daniel. They were able to choose the city park that it would be planted in, but they had no control over the physical location of where the tree would be planted within the park. They chose the park closest to our home. We live across the street from this city park and Daniel spent many hours running, playing and getting dirty on the baseball fields there! So it was perfect.

One morning last summer, Brent and I were out on our back patio having coffee and talking and we noticed a city truck with a tree in the back pull up. The hole that was being dug for the tree was directly across the street from our home. Brent went over to talk to the city worker to find out if that was Daniel's tree. It was. No one knew the tree would be planted directly across the street from us, but the Lord knew. I continue to be amazed by this as it could have been planted anywhere in that 117 acre city park. This was such a sweet gift from the Lord.

You can see the tree sitting on our back patio, but it was not until I started training for the marathon that I noticed the tree is also perfectly centered with our street. As we ran, I was sharing all of these details with Ashley. I told Ashley, "One day when I cross the final finish line of this life, it will not be a tree. Instead, there will be my beloved Daniel smiling, cheering and welcoming me home!"

That thought alone is motivation enough to keep running the race of life most days.

As the training became harder, 16, 18, 20 miles thinking of that tree at the finish was always sweet motivation. Every time I rounded the corner for the final stretch I burst out laughing and crying from the emotion of thinking of the final finish combined with the sweet victory of finishing those long distances I had never ran before. On two occasions our sweet neighbor was working in her flower gardens and I know I was probably quite a sight for her! Oh well. I did not ever try to hold back the emotion.

As race day approached, I told my family I was excited and ready but that I was going to miss seeing that tree at the end!

The morning before the race, April 1, 2017, was the first anniversary of Daniel's death. I woke up just before 7:45 am and relived the moments of Daniel's last minutes here on earth. The morning he died, I was at home and Brent was at the hospital with him. Just like I had on the morning he passed away I went out on my front step and sang "All This Glory". This is what the sky looked like, with Daniel's tree right there in front of me as I cried and worshipped.

Later that evening, the weather forecast was becoming very grim for our race day. Severe storms were forecasted with 100% certainty. Ashley and I talked and had prayed that God would make it very obvious before the race started what we were supposed to do.

Ashley picked me up early on the morning of April 2nd and we drove downtown. As race time approached the weather became worse and worse. God faithfully answered our prayer to make it obvious. We were hoping for miraculous change of weather, but instead it was so bad that the marathon was cancelled. We were both so disappointed. After months of training we were now unable to run.

We went to a cafe and had breakfast and talked about our disappointment, not only with the race but other times in life. For both of us there seemed to be this recurring theme of persevering through life's disappointments. The biggest disappointment in my life being Daniel's death.

We quietly drove home, both of us still processing the reality that the race did not happen. When she dropped me off, Brent was waiting for me. He was sweet and comforting and said he was surprised with how well I was doing considering the huge disappointment. I told him, "God made it clear, and I do not understand why he said 'not today' in regard to running this race. But He did. And I trust Him." Then I went and took a nap.

I woke up around 2:15pm. As I laid in my bed, I thought "I don't hear any thunder...or rain...".  I then checked the radar and the sky was clear. I started thinking about Daniel's tree and how I was thinking I would have been disappointed to not see it at the end of the marathon. Then I started thinking about running a marathon here, on my own. At about 2:30pm I called Ashley and our conversation went something like this, "Do you want to run?"  She said, "What does that mean!?"  And I said, "Like the 26.2?  Do you want to run the marathon?"  She paused before responding "I'm not sure..."  I said, "Well I think I am going to do it and I didn't want to run it without inviting you to join me, so think about it, but not too long because we are going to run out daylight!"  We hung up and about 5 minutes later she called me and said "I'm in!"

Thirty minutes later, we were ready to take off! We had the best send off ever! Brent loaded up our refreshment station with water and gatorade. We took photos with everyone wearing an "In Memory of Daniel" or Superman shirt. We had posters! My son Sam led the singing of the National Anthem, My husband Brent did a fake gun shot and we were off!

At miles 8, 18 and 25 our dear friends even came and met us with water and cheering along the path...

It was a grueling race for me.  By mile 20.75 my body wanted no more. I had the worst stomachache and I hurt in places I didn't even know existed prior to this race. It was the grace of the Lord Jesus and the memory of my sweet Daniel joyfully fighting through pain his entire life that kept me putting one foot in front of the other. But those last 6 miles were sloooooow and painful and I am thankful that Ashley was so patient, I know she could have finished much faster than I did!

Ashley's and my family were hanging out together at our house and had asked that we let them know when we were one mile out. We did, but by this time it was dark out. I told Ashley that I was bummed it was dark as I would not be able to see the tree as we rounded the corner of our street.  When we turned to run back into my neighborhood, we saw flashes of light. As we ran closer, I realized it was my oldest sons Drew and Sam with flashlights! Drew also had his speaker and was playing "My Beloved”, Daniel's favorite song! Drew and Sam joined Ashley and I to run the last quarter mile and as I turned the corner to run down our street to the finish, there was Daniel's tree...ALL LIT UP! Brent had taken our vehicles and turned the lights on to illuminate Daniel's tree in that dark night sky! Oh how thankful I was to see that tree! Brent picked me up as I crossed the finish line with all of those sweet kids and friends cheering!

It was the BEST FINISH EVER. Way better than if I had been able to run the "real" race.

God wasn't keeping something from me, He had something better for me.  He is faithful, again and again and again He is faithful.

I ran a marathon.  I ran a marathon, in memory of my Daniel, persevering by God's grace through disappointment once again.

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us." Romans 5:2-5

One day there will be no more disappointment. As I cross the finish line of life on this earth, Daniel will be there smiling and cheering along with my Jesus and all the other saints who finish their race ahead of me. Thank you, Jesus, for a hope that does not and will not disappoint.

"Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  Hebrews 12:1-3

That is the story of my 26.2.