A Fine Young Man

Our older boys play baseball.  They have for years.  As many of you know, Daniel was one of their...if not their...biggest fan.  He liked to call balls and strikes from the sidelines.  His animated way of doing so, often got the attention of the umpires and before long he was buddies with them.  They could never resist that smile!  :)  I can hear his loud, raspy voice saying "Hahhhh" now along with his little pointer finger going out, calling a strike.  I miss this.

Drew has started to play games again with his High School team this week.  Last year, he missed the entire end of his season after Daniel died as our family went away for several weeks after the funeral.  The day that Daniel died, Drew's coach sent out this letter to the team.  The words we still hold dear to our hearts and thank God that Drew has such a wonderful coach and team to play High School baseball with...

A FINE YOUNG MAN 

Daniel Jackson was a fine young man and it always gave me joy to see him in the stands watching us play.  It was a privilege to know him.  He fought hard through the past few months and even though he was very young, any man can respect the full effort Daniel gave to the very end.  This season for this team has been about giving our very best effort at all times and no matter what the score says at the end, if we done that, then we’ve succeeded.  By this definition the life Daniel lived was a complete success.

Today when he departed this world to the “far better” world, for the first time in his life he experienced complete health and perfect peace.  Our mourning now is not for this young man who now sees Jesus “as He is”.  Rather what we now mourn is our personal loss and the burden of sorrow that our friends bear as they mourn for son and brother.  As deep as our grief may feel let us remember to follow the teaching of scripture and sorrow with hope.  Our hope in Christ means hope in the resurrection.  We have not seen Daniel for the last time, rather it is just a parting for a short while until that glorious future reunion.

In response to your sorrow you may wonder what you can do to help.  Here are a couple of things to consider.  First, just be a friend to Drew.  A simple text or email shows you care for him and that often is enough to lighten his load just a bit.   Don’t worry about the perfect thing to say, there really is no such thing - just say what’s on your heart.  Secondly, honor Daniel’s fight for life.  Stand tall as young men by living your life with zeal, courage, honor, dignity and strength.  To do this honors God, honors Daniel and shows respect to the Jackson family.

Coach Jackson and Drew will not be with us this weekend.  Our hearts will be knit with theirs and we will miss having them with us.  We will do our best to honor both them and Daniel by standing tall and playing as a team.  I believe Coach Jackson and Drew will want us to do this and I believe Daniel would be happy to know we played to honor his life he lived for the Lord here on earth. 

God bless,

Coach Hasenmyer

What a wonderful letter.  Words we will always treasure.  I agree 100% that the life Daniel lived was a complete success.  And he had great advice for anyone seeking to love on grieving hearts.

The team had a game the afternoon of Daniel's Celebration of Life on April 7th, and this is the photo they sent to Drew after attending the service that day...

These were photos taken of Drew with his team after the service...

And here are some photos of Daniel from Drew's baseball games he attended...he liked to eat lots of lollipops (and ice when it was hot!) while watching his brothers play...

And he liked saying "hi" to all the teammates...

(Here he was telling them he was wearing his sisters sweatshirt)

I miss scenes like this one.

Daniel, you truly were "A Fine Young Man".

Memories in My Mind

Throughout each day, different memories of Daniel run through my mind.

Some make me laugh, some make me cry, some make me smile, some make me go looking for photos that go along with the memory, some make me retreat to my bedroom closet to fall in a heap...

He is never far from my mind.

When I run, he is constantly on my mind.  When I run I have a steady playlist of God honoring music. Most of it worshipful...and when I am singing along or running along...I try to imagine what it is like for my boy.  My boy who now sees the God I worship.  The Savior I trust.  

Some days this makes me miss him terribly.  Mostly though it brings my heart such comfort.  And even in the missing great peace.  I often lament and pour out my heart to my Father on my runs.  As my feet hit the pavement, I talk, I pray.  Today I was feeling especially heavy as I went out.  Some days are just like that.  At one point  I walked and prayed out loud for the heaviness of my soul.  I asked God to take my heart of stone and give me a heart like His.  I asked Him to help me make sense all of the "muck", the fogginess, the noise in my mind...to just know and focus on what is true.  As I was praying, the Crowder song "Here's My Heart" came to mind and I put it on repeat for the next few miles I ran.

The first words of the song are, "Here's my heart Lord, speak what is true."  God is faithful to answer.  Just like that.  

As I ran and sang the words in my heart the sky looked like this...

I kept stopping to take photos, because it was like a favorite line from the song, "You are good, always true, You are light breaking through."

A song from Daniel's favorite album.

Light breaking through the darkness.  The Lord has been the light in the darkness since Daniel's death and in Daniel's life spent fighting a horrific disease his six short years.  

Then "All This Glory" played as I was reaching our home.  The song I sang with my hands outstretched to heaven the morning Daniel died.  I sang knowing I was joining the angels welcoming him home.  A verse from this song plays

"In the middle of the night, 

You are Majesty, 

To the middle of our plight 

Came the King of Kings

 While we were waiting on,

 Your love to come along, 

light broke in 

coming like a Son."

Light broke in, coming like a Son (sun).

The song that is a bridge between these two songs is the "Steeple Outro".  Which as I have shared before are the words the Lord played in my mind and heart in my bathroom the morning Daniel died. Today I listened and cried as my feet continued to run one in front of the other...

"And then He took my hand 

and led me the river 

and buried all I was  

And He kissed my face 

and told me I was His 

and I knew I found 

my HOME."

That word.  Home.  The word Daniel started saying just days before he died.  

Daniel is Home.  And Jesus was so gracious to this mommy to share how well he cared for and is caring for our son. I do not have to worry about Daniel anymore.  I just miss him.

I am currently doing a bible study on the book of Revelation.  And after teaching on Rev 1:17, which reads, "When I saw Him (Jesus) I fell at His feet like a dead man.  And He placed his right hand on me saying, 'Do not be afraid..." Chuck Swindoll said: 

"There is just no one like Jesus.  There is a contrast between this magnificent presence and this tender touch that I love about Christ.  He is deserving of our highest praise and greatest respect and yet in our deepest need He touches us and understands. And when we see Him for who He is, it is like the nursery rhyme and we all fall down."

There is just no one like Jesus.

He is a good King.   And He is taking good care of my boy.   He is taking good care of me.

First And Last

Today I was sorting through photos.  I have ordered some from the past year and was needing to organize some from over the years.

Before Daniel died, I was making him a "Number Book".  It was of his birthdays.  I have been working to complete this book and have been expanding my original idea since his death.  So recently I ordered some photos to fill in for moments I wanted to be represented in the scrapbook.  As I was sorting I noticed these two photos...

the one one the left is from his first birthday and the one on the right is from his last.

Both we were unaware they were being taken.

I love the joy.  The love.  The way we are enjoying each other.  Oh how much I love this sweet boy and I am thankful for how he loved me too.  And I am thankful for the memories that are captured in these treasured photos...

even when, on days like today, they make me weep.

Your Birthday

January 6, 2010.

Just after midnight I became restless.  I wondered if you were finally coming. For a few weeks we had thought you might be coming as I had "real" feeling contractions daily leading up to your actual birth.  By 5am I knew it was real.  I called my friend Ruthie and asked her to come.  I then called Dr. Ehmer and told him what was happening and that I would head to Baylor as soon as my friend arrived.  I will never forget his reply, "Jaci, you go wake up those other 4 kiddos, put them in your van and tell your friend to meet you at the hospital."

He knew.

And so we all piled in the van and at the big kids request blasted "Freedom" by Nicole C. Mullen as we sped down the tollway to the hospital.  It still makes me laugh to think of how the bass and beat of that song was vibrating the van as we drove.  It was by far the most lively drive to delivery I experienced!

Within an hour of being at the hospital, you were born.

And we were in love.

Daniel.

A name that was put on my heart before I ever knew I would have you.

Daniel.

A precious boy who was adored and cherished in this life.

Daniel.

My son.  Oh how I look forward to the day we will all be together again.

We had 6 awesome years  and 7 awesome birthdays as I am counting the day you were born...

Your "Birth"day

Your 1st Birthday!

Your 2nd Birthday!

 

Your 3rd Birthday in Disney World!

 Your 4th Birthday!

Your 5th Birthday!

Your 6th Birthday!

(Everybody wore jeans for you!)

There are a couple hundred more photos I could share from 6 years of birthdays.  I am thankful we have such wonderful memories of celebrating you!  I sure miss you Daniel.

Happy 7th Birthday.

Always missing and loving you.

Christmas 2010

Daniel's first Christmas Eve.

And this Christmas we wondered if it would be his last.  Just a few minutes after this photo was taken, Daniel became short of breath, his lips began to turn blue, his heart was racing...I called 911.  Paramedics filled our little rental house that Christmas Eve.  They were wonderful.  While half of the men along tried to stabilize Daniel so they could transport him to Children's Hospital, the other paramedics interacted with our older kids.  I remember in one corner of the living room Daniel being worked on and in the other Lizzy and Abby proudly showing the gifts they had just opened to those kind men.  Drew and Sam joining in too.

And a Christmas miracle happened, as I called the hospital and was put right through to Dr. Thompson an ICU attending that knew Daniel well.  The operator made a mistake as we would later find out, thinking I was a doctor when I called and asked for her on Christmas Eve.  The Lord knew Daniel needed her help.  I think the time that was saved and swiftness with which she helped Daniel get to where he needed to be saved his life that night.  He came home again a few days later.

And so instead of just one emergency and hospital filled Christmas we were given six.

On Christmas Day that year amidst my pain and heartache and uncertainty, I wrote these words on Daniel's Caringbridge and our family blog (Consider It All Joy),  and I wanted to share them again today...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas

Today is Christmas.

Not a day that you usually have to remind someone about. 

Decorations, Sales, shopping, presents, parties, music fill our days and thoughts. 

I LOVE all of these things. LOVE them. 

But I adore my Jesus.

Today is His Birthday.

And even though our circumstances are not at all what I would have hoped for, I intend to celebrate HIM.

He brought with Him Hope.

He brought Life.

Life Everlasting.

Until 8 years ago I never thought about Christmas this way.

I was aware of Jesus.

I knew this is what Christmas was really about.

But I did not know him as my Savior.

No matter my circumstance His life and death and life again are worthy of ALL my praise. 

Though my baby might not live to see his next Christmas,

Though my sweet Daniel is in the ICU this Christmas,

I am going to choose to celebrate Jesus.

Just Jesus.

And trust him with my heart break and disappointments.

And although our savings is empty and our sons health failing, we are rich because of the grace God has extended to us through His Son.

Health and Wealth will not last forever anyway.

But a decision to trust Jesus Christ as your Redeemer from sin will last forever.

And ever.

And ever.

To Him be the glory forever.

Merry Christmas!

Celebrate Jesus.

"For unto us a child is born, unto a a Savior given and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

The only words that would change to today, are that Daniel is now with Jesus and it has been 14 years since my eyes were opened and the way I saw Christmas changed.

We miss you Daniel!  Thank you Jesus for HOPE and that Daniel now sees You,  the savior and hope we celebrate today.

Christmas Cookies

There is a memory attached to everything about Christmas.

I miss Daniel's big brown eyes dancing with delight as he would stare at the lights on the Christmas tree.  I miss having to tell him we had to wait until Christmas to open presents.  I miss how he loved to take the "balls" (ornaments) off our tree when he was younger and throw them.  When he was 2 we quickly learned all of the breakable ornaments were at the top...plastic at the bottom! :)  I miss shopping for him.  The night I sat and wrapped all of our presents, I missed wrapping his.  I miss watching the big kids play "Santa" with him.  I will miss dancing with him on Christmas Eve.

I will miss watching him decorate Christmas cookies.

We baked today, tomorrow we will decorate and his absence will be most noticeable and greatly missed.  The way he decorated cookies was very similar to how he shook glitter and threw sequins at his art projects.  And I just let him go to town.  His joy was worth the clean up efforts.

That unforgettable smile.

The joy that was such a sweet gift from the Lord.

The joy that was most miraculous, as it accompanied a little life of great suffering. As I have said before, I am pretty sure he never felt good a day in his life...but a stranger would never know looking at him...

Yesterday, I listened to Dr. Toussiant talk about prayer.  He talked about how the purpose of prayer is to ask, that God might be glorified (from John 14:13-14).  In the message he had a definition of glory from Charles Ryrie (who long ago used to speak at Dr. T's youth events!  Can you even imagine?).  His definition was "God's glory is anything that makes God seen.  Anything that shows what God is like."  Dr. Toussaint went on to say in this DTS chapel archive, that when God answers prayer you see the glory of God...examples including God's love, God's wisdom, God's grace...and through these answers to prayer you learn what God is like and as you learn what He is like it causes you to worship Him.

I have said many times in the course of Daniel's life and since his death that God's hand, God's presence, God's sovereignty has been undeniable.  And then yesterday listening to this, the numerous prayers that have seemed unanswered (in regards to Daniel's sickness, death, suffering), I now see were very much answered.  I see how through Daniel's entire life he reflected God's glory.  I see God's grace in his life, God's love, God's wisdom, God's sovereignty, God's compassion.

This joy that I saw in Daniel, a joy that was unwavering in a life of great suffering was a reflection of God's glory as an answer to the tens of thousands of prayers prayed on Daniel's behalf.  It was a joy that did not make sense for his life circumstances.

And so this Christmas, amidst the great missing, my heart is also full of praise and adoration and worship for our great God. A God that Daniel now sees.  

We will miss watching you decorate Christmas cookies, Daniel.  I praise God for you and that I had a front seat to the miraculous joy that defined your life.  

"May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you place your trust in Him, so that you overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13