Brent and I have had a especially hard time the last few days. When he came home from work today, I told him how the floodgate of tears opened up late last night and didn't stop until 3am. He then told me he had a morning like that while we were in Colorado. And he said, "When it happens you just can't stop it."
I then said, "I just still can't believe he's gone."
Brent said, "I know. And people tell me I know what you mean...but I don't think they do. He's already been gone for 5 months."
I said through tears, "I can't believe he's been gone 5 months."
Sam was listening to this conversation and after I made the last statement...without missing a beat...he said, "You mean we're 5 months closer to seeing him again."
Yes. Yes we are. Thank you Sam. I needed that reminder. <3
I sure will miss taking these race day family photos...
This year it was just the girls and I. From Daniel being so sick and in the hospital for so long, Brent used up all of his vacation days and so he was unable to join us. Originally I was going to travel to Colorado alone, but about 10 days before I would be leaving Lizzy came to me and said, "Mom, I really want to go and run for Daniel. Can I please come along with you?" And I had replied, "I am sorry honey but we just cannot afford it this year." She said, "Please just check. Maybe you can. Show me!" She's persistent! And I am glad that she was, because as it turned out Southwest had tickets for $70 roundtrip and we had points...so I ended up paying just $5.60 for each of the girls!! That I could afford! ;-) And it was really wonderful to have them there with me. One of my best friends was in Colorado at the time and so we were able to stay with her and her family. I was so thankful to have her there too.
The day before the race we spent the morning watching all of our old race videos. We cried. And cried. Lizzy had said through tears, "I am really going to miss crossing the finish line as a family. I wish Daniel would still be here. This is going to be hard to do without him." And it was hard, but I think spending this time looking back and sharing and crying actually helped us on race day. The most emotional moment of the day was writing on our "In Memory of"...
DANIEL.
Another emotional moment for me was when I saw the event posters for this year. They had this sweet photo of Daniel and Dr. Ivy from our first ever PH race we attended...
Drew was in the top photo too!
The morning of the race my outfit was inspired by Daniel. For the last year of his life, "weights" was one of the first words he said each day. He sometimes even said it in his sleep. On this particular day he came to get me for "weights" with my shoes and headband on and a water for each of us. Lol. I love you Daniel. And I miss being asked to do "weights" all. day. long!
Lizzy and I ran the race. Abby walked with my mom, my aunt Kathy, Beth, Rhonda and some of my cousins. Thank you to all of you who came out! I cannot believe we didn't get a photo. Next year!! Lizzy actually won the race for her the 12 & under age division! Way to go Lizzy! You really did want to run for Daniel!! I know he would be so proud and happy!
And we just love these wonderful people who helped take such great care of Daniel. Thank you Dr. Ivy, Beth and Michelle!! We are forever grateful.
I miss you Daniel. I would give anything to kiss you like this again and hear that amazing laugh. We are so proud of you. You finished your race. You crossed the finish line. And you ran so well. Now the rest of us have to finish ours. And I think our reunion one day will be just glorious. I love you Little Buddy.
Our Team Daniel shirts remind us to run our race. Not only for you, but for Jesus.
"RUN with perseverance, the RACE, keeping your eyes on JESUS."
TEAM DANIEL
"Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3
Forgive me if this has been shared before, but tonight "We Believe" came on as I was running and the need to write out the events of Daniel's final day and hours was on my heart again. Details I do not want to forget.
March 31 was a hard day.
It seemed like a better day than the previous two, as it was the first day Daniel had not arrested since having his surgery. We all saw this as a good sign.
However, he was still on super high doses of meds that were keeping his blood pressure stable and his lungs were congested. On April 1st they planned to extubate Daniel (take him off the ventilator) so much of March 31 was spent suctioning and attempting to strengthen his lungs and wean some meds to make this possible.
It was hard to watch.
In fact, mostly I didn't. I walked. A lot. Hours. Hours were spent pacing and walking the halls of the hospital. Some of you reading this joined me for a lap or 40. Thank you. I walked so much that the hospital staff would tease me.
I had a hard time just sitting there.
When I would sit on that Thursday, I would work on a picture video. I had started it earlier that day, as I felt that the Lord wanted me to make it. And so sitting there I would chip away at adding and editing photos. Praying and hoping and waiting for the next day.
As the day went on, it was more of the same. Every hour and a half or so the team would come in and suction and work on Daniel...and I would walk for the 20-40 minutes it would take. Finally at about 10, I was encouraged by the staff to go home. To try and sleep, because once Daniel was awake they were going to need me.
So I obeyed. I kissed my boy, for what would be the last time alive and drove home.
My teenagers were up when I got home. I told them about how Daniel and I had secretly planned a trip to Disney World. We pulled up the details on-line and talked about how much fun it would be to go back. It was a wonderful temporary diversion. I prayed with them and they headed to bed.
As I got up to head to bed myself, the Lord whispered to my heart (I did not hear a voice or anything like that) "You need to finish that video."
In my heart I said "Really? Now? When I am so tired and supposed to get some sleep?"
"Yes, now." was the answer to my heart.
So I stayed up until around 2 finishing the video. I fell asleep on the couch with the computer on my lap. When I woke up about 5:30 am, I clicked the button to "Publish" my finished video and then called the ICU to check on Daniel. The sweet nurse said that he had a stable night. She said that he had tolerated the suctioning well and the vent had been turned down some. She said everything was looking good and we were moving toward our goal. She encouraged me to sleep more, saying that we would not extubate until after lunch. Brent was sleeping in the waiting room.
So I moved to my bed.
At 7:32am my phone rang to tell me Daniel was arresting and they were doing chest compressions.
My computer was in my bed with me. So I shared the video I had just finished to facebook. They called again to tell me they were still doing chest compressions.
Everything from this point on felt like slow motion...as I then got up, washed my face, pulled my hair back...all the while thinking it's at the very least 1 hour to the hospital with morning traffic...more likely two...and so I stared at myself in the mirror wondering what to do.
At that moment, the words to Crowder's "Steeple Outro" played in my mind:
"My heart was weary,
My soul was heavy,
My bones were aching, Lord.
I needed waking,
I needed breaking,
I needed You, my Lord.
Then you took my hand,
And Led me to the river,
And buried all I was.
Then you kissed my face,
And told me I was Yours,
And I knew I'd found my
HOME"
And I knew Daniel had died. His official time of death was 7:45 am and although I am not sure what exact time it was, I know deep down in my soul that when the word home was whispered to my heart, Daniel had entered heaven. And I went out on my front porch and lifted my hands to heaven singing "All This Glory" knowing I was joining the angels in welcoming him home.
This happened just minutes after sharing his video where I had pleaded "We want you to come HOME, Daniel!"
And for reasons that I am sure I will not fully understand until I myself am in the presence of the Lord, God said "No." to our desire to bring Daniel back to our earthly home, and instead said "Yes" to taking Daniel to his forever HOME. A home that we will live in with him. A home that each day we are one day closer to having for our permanent address. A home that is far better than any I could give him.
We Believe.
He's coming back again.
It is for this that we wait with eager anticipation.
"Death is swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
We believe.
"In this time of desperation,
When all we know is doubt and fear,
There is only One foundation,
We believe.
In this broken generation,
When is all is dark, you help us see,
There is only One salvation,
We believe.
So let our faith be more than anthems,
Greater than songs we sing,
In our weakness and temptations,
We believe.
Let the lost be found and the dead be raised,
In here and now let love invade,
Let the church live loud our God will save,
We believe.
And the gates of hell will not prevail,
For the power of God has torn the veil
Now we know your love will never fail.
We believe.
We believe in God the Father,
We believe in Jesus Christ,
We believe in the Holy Spirit,
And He's given us new life.
We believe in the Crucifixion,
We believe that He concurred death,
We believe in the resurrection and He's coming back again."
Tonight I found myself at your grave again. As I arrived it was lightly raining. I had no umbrella, but it really did not matter to me. As I sat next to your grave I poured my heart out to the Lord about how much I was missing you. About how I needed his help. Help to know how to do this life with your absence. Help for my broken heart. Help in ways I am unaware I need. I told Him about how I long to see you. To see Him. To hold you. I told the Lord again what a gift it was to be your mom. And then as I ran my fingers through the flowers on your gravestone, I closed my eyes and quoted Job from my heart saying, "The Lord gives....and the Lord takes away....blessed be the name of the Lord. I love you Lord."
And as I opened my eyes and looked up I saw this...
A Rainbow.
And when I turned around I saw this...
GLORY! I am not certain I have ever seen a more beautiful sky! The photo does not do justice for the intensity of how bright the sky was.
I cried and laughed and cried and worshipped the Lord in the middle of the cemetary. As the rainbow was fading and the glorious sunset was overtaken by dark rain clouds I stood and sang this...
I had this version on my phone.
Thank you Lord for your mercy. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for making it so very obvious that you will "never leave me nor forsake me" and that you truly are an ever present help in our time of need.
Blessed be the name of the Lord. Forever and Ever.
When Drew and Sam were toddlers, our family started singing "Give Thanks to the Lord" before each meal. The song was off of Steve Green's "Hide Em' In Your Heart" album with the words coming directly from Psalm 118:1.
"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever."
Daniel loved our dinner time song. He emphatically would pound on the table at each meal time until we sang. :) We all have a strong memory of Daniel doing this as it happened each day...usually more than once.
Since Daniel passed away, singing our dinner time song just hasn't been the same. This past Saturday night when we sat down to eat dinner Brent said, "Okay, let's sing!" Before we could start I said, "I have to say it. I just don't feel like singing before meals since Daniel died. I mean we've been doing it, but I just don't feel like it. Does anyone else feel like this?" Drew right away said, "I do." The other kids talked about how they had felt this way at different times too. So I said to Brent, "Why don't you just pray for us today." And he did.
The next day (which was last night) we had Daniel's best buddy Taylor and her sweet family over for dinner. We were eating buffet style and so after about half of us had gotten our food, I walked behind and whispered to Brent "Why don't you just pray for us." He did. As soon as he finished, sweet Taylor said "Wait, aren't we gonna sing that song?"
Oh sweet girl.
And I immediately said, "Yes! Yes, we are most definitely going to sing that song!!"
And just like that singing our dinner song is back. Back from the heart...not just in words. Maybe, for me, even stronger and sweeter than ever.
Later that night I told Taylor, "Thank you for asking us to sing the dinner song. That was a sweet gift from the Lord to me." Without missing a beat she looked up at me and said "Yeah, I know."
When they left last night Drew and Sam both said to me, "Can you believe Taylor asked to sing our dinner song?" We all know it was a gift from the Lord. He brought about a piece of healing and restored the joy in doing this through having Daniel's best friend carry on a long standing family tradition.
Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord for your mercy and faithfulness and encouragement to our family in a time of such great sorrow and missing. Your tender love and care is undeniable. Thank you for using a sweet five year old girl to give us our dinner time song back.
Daniel, you picked a good friend buddy. A really good friend.
Oh Daniel. You loved Disney so much. We have so many wonderful, magical memories of our time spent there with you. I never imagined when I booked a trip for our family on Christmas day 2015 that on August 4, 2016 I would have to muster up the courage to call Disney and have your name removed from our reservation. It was our secret. Until you died, only you & I knew I had made a plan to try to go back.
The tears fall and fall and fall. It was even harder than I thought it would be. The sweet lady on the other end of the phone had to patiently wait for me holding back sobs to get the words for the reason for my call to come out of my mouth. For me to say..."I'm calling because my 6 year old little boy died and I need to remove his name from our reservation." A sentence that should take but seconds took a few minutes to spit out, as just trying I burst into tears.
She was so very gracious. She told me I was brave for calling and for still going. She told me that she hopes we have a special time together honoring your memory.
Oh Daniel! Your absence leaves such a big void. Such a huge hole. Oh the missing.
I am sure the tears will now fall for a long while. I really just can't believe you now live in heaven. I miss you. I will miss taking photos like these...
I love you so much buddy. My heart is broken in your absence, but the hope of the sweet reunion one day brings peace in the overwhelming missing and sadness. I can't wait for a hug like the one you gave to Tinker Bell.
Tonight I did Yoga for the first time since Daniel died. I am not
sure when (or if) I would have done Yoga again at home, but when Abby
asked me tonight if I would do Yoga with her I could not say no. Daniel was my Yoga buddy. Well, actually he was my "weights" buddy.
Every single day, often many times each day he asked me to do "eights"
(weights). Sometimes he even asked in his sleep!! Those of you who
knew Daniel the last year of his life can testify to his love of
weights. :) I will write more about that another time, for today I just
wanted to share these photos of Daniel doing Yoga. He had his own mat,
but he preferred to be right there with me...and tonight I missed that
sweet little boy crawling under me each time we did a Down Dog...
This was the "Yoga Pose" he loved the most and he even did it on the beach last summer...
Oh sweet Daniel how my heart misses you. I loved doing "eights" with you. I love how you would show anyone your "Yoga pose" when asked. You were just so cute. I hated having your blue mat stay in the closet tonight. And I am so very thankful for these memories with you.
